but the following argument just seemed so logical to me that I can't not share it. Because here I am listening to
(I'm sorry the formatting is going to be so messed up right now hahaha, I am clearly having one of those cursed days with the computer if you know what I mean and I think you do, because it's precisely what happened to me A YEAR AGO when I wrote MY FIRST POST EVER!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, it's true. Happy anniversary you boogers! Anyway, moving on)
Well I'm going to ask you to please listen to that song if you plan on understanding my point in this post. Because I don't really want to ramble on and explain the song and its lyrics, that's why I provided you the link. So if you want to waste your resources and not listen, you're just going to be a floating speck of dust and boogers for the next few paragraphs with a general sense of what's going on without knowing what I'm really talking about. So just listen.
Anyway I'm gonna go back on my word right now and explain the song haha but whatever. It's basically a broken family with a poor little kid caught in the middle of it. Here's what I think people forget: adults suck. Adulthood sucks. I mean, unless you manage to find yourself in a sturdy, happy, responsible lifestyle (which, as I watch everyone around me, I find is a really hit or miss situation). But especially as young adults, you're just ... you're just getting used to what it's like to be an adult after being a kid for so long yourself.
But it's not just about age necessarily. It's about how prepared a parent is to have a child. I don't care what age you are, if you're having a baby, you should be prepared to devote the next 12 or so years to your child's life, which is around the time they'll start hating you and you can breathe again (but by then you obviously won't want to because come on, we all know parents). Not to say you can plbbbpptt out after a dozen years but what I'm saying is having a child isn't just a hobby. It's not a part time job. If you are making the decision that you want to pay for, provide for, teach, and take responsibility for a recklessly individual human being for 18 years, then you need to make sure you can devote the time, energy, money, and maturity. TEMM. METM. ETMM. Whichever helps you remember the most.
I'm not even trying to say that NO parents are doing that today because that's absolutely bogus and incorrect. It's just that there is an increasing minority of parents who do enter parenthood blindly and carelessly, and do you know who pays for that shit?
Everyone else on the fucking plannnnetttttttt people.
Did you know there are 7 billion people on the planet? Wow, that is like, a lot of people. And did you know China has that one-child-per-family rule? Okay? So first of all thank your lucky stars that you live somewhere where you even hold reproductive rights. Now, think about all the incredibly smart people it takes to uphold a society that can handle reproductive rights, and think about the incredibly useless and worthless people (sorry but those exist and if you're one of them well you're not because you're reading this blog so don't worry, you are definitely good. Unless you're of course worthless, in which case even I can't help you). Do you want to contribute to society? Do you think you can create a healthy environment where a child can grow and thrive and not just manage not to forget to breathe but actually pay society back for its weight in carbon emissions? Because if not, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I don't think you should plop out a little one to screw things up a tiny little bit more for the rest of us.
since I figure I might as well throw you guys a relevant title every once and a while. But yeah two catalysts triggered my need to post about the holidays.
First, John Stewart. My only favorite person that has ever probably existed and will ever exist again ever. He made a really fucking good point against the "War on Christmas" that Fox claims America is waging by taking Christmas out of store-greetings and calling Christmas trees "Holiday Trees". (And on a side note about that sentence, let's just make it clear that obviously stores should leave Christmas out of holiday greetings because it's like...not everyone celebrates Christmas. And as an individual who has gone through copious amounts of this awkwardness I can tell you, it's SO not worth assuming someone celebrates Christmas. On the other hands, Christmas trees are Christmas trees and have never been anything else and will never be anything more so for the love of God and even the atheists, call it what it is and no more of this HOLIDAY TREE boooollllllllshaaaattttttttt)
And that's basically what Jon Stewart said. Like, no you guys, there actually isn't a fucking war on Christmas, there are actually loads of people who don't want to be wished a Merry Christmas, and a lot of other brilliant Jon Stewart-isms. Actually, just forget all that I said and watch it here. It's worth it.
That's the first time I've been snapped back to reality since I've been watching Fox News every morning since freshman year. Why do I watch it you ask? I don't really know. I like the relaxed Fox and Friends style I guess... But seriously, Jon Stewart made me realize wow am I tired of hearing this shit, because their claims really are bogus. And then Carly came home this weekend and we both had a ridiculous vent session about how difficult it is to be Jewish in December.
First of all, by even mentioning this I'm making myself sound like the fucking Grinch in half of your eyes. How dare I not be at least cheerful of the season, people ask me, as they're handing me a candy cane while wearing a reindeer sweater and a Santa Claus hat and Jingle Bells is playing on the radio. Jingle bells doesn't even say anything about Christmas, they argue. Oh, touche, hadn't thought of that. Hadn't thought of the fact that it's still played in the absolute abundance of all things that ARE Christmas for example red and green wreaths and santas and pine trees and those new boots for sale and mistletoe and dingly ringly jingly bells and blinking lights and the enormous santa claus factory with a train running through it in the middle of the mall....should I go on? No, because then I'd never stop,
Oh but look! they exclaim, pointing out the shelf at Target that I already noticed four minutes ago. They have a Jewish section!!
And what a proud fucking Jewish section it is.
(Courtesy of this blogpost that is actually celebrating this weak-old-person-fart of a display)
Yeah you know, I get that you're trying to be inclusive and stuff, but that's the same shit I remember seeing since 2002. Is it that much to ask for like, an update, or maybe like a menorah that isn't just fifteen dollars.
And what people don't realize is that while everyone grows up and experiences the subtle loss of magic the holidays once held over them as children, it's different for people who don't celebrate Christmas. Because if they celebrate other holidays, they're still reminded of Christmas everywhere they fucking step outside, just like you guys are. The difference is, we don't get to be reminded of our holiday. It sucks and it's uncomfortable and you don't even remember it's Chanukah until you're home, and you see the decorations that you've garnished your living room up in every December since you can remember, even though you're finally realizing its true purpose: to remind you that here we celebrate Chanukah, and we get excited for CHANUKAH and if everyone is going to jam Christmas down our throats and ears and eyes via every seasonal treat and holiday song and television special, then by golly we're going to shove Chanukah down our own throats as a mouthwash to get that sickening eggnog taste out of our mouths. The result is...now that I'm older, this time of year encourages a pitifully low amount of cheer, and all the Christmas stuff in the world only makes me bitter.
Do I want to be bitter? No! Do you know how much I used to try to get excited about Christmas for other people, for their sake? And how much I still do? I want to like the Grinch Stole Christmas, it would be so convenient to love the smell of pinetrees and walnuts and ham or whatever it is this time of year smells like. But I can't because I just simply do not celebrate that holiday. And you do and that is perfectly fine! I'm excited for you that you celebrate it. But please let me fucking leave it be at just that! I don't give two, not even one, not even one divided by infiniti shits about Christmas. And like...I'm sorry. I genuinely am. I wish that I did. It would be so much better for both of us if I did, probably. Unless you're Jewish or otherwise excluded from Christmas - then we'll only get each other on a whole 'nother level because of it.
But the truth is, it's always been a horribly conflicting time of year for my sister and I, and it's really only something other Jews can understand. What are we supposed to say when we're at Corningwear buying a bunch of kitchen shit because it's on sale and Papa gets a 30% off discount because he works at Corning, and he's also buying stuff for Carly's apartment as an early Chanukah present and we also, as a collective family, look awkward and weird as shit, and the cashier lady says , "Doing early Christmas shopping?"
My throat literally shuts in situations like that - I can't explain it any differently. I am literally physically incapable of saying "Yes" because no, I am not fucking doing Christmas shopping in any way whatsoever and you are not correct. But I despise the whole "Uh er well Chanukah Shopping heh" and the immediate "OH I'M SO SORRY OH CHANUKAH THAT IS FUN!" and heaven forbid you're in a situation like a haircut or something and you have to talk to this person for a prolonged period of time? By the end of your session, your companion will know your family's entire traditions concerning the holiday as well as common misconceptions and fun facts.
Oh and wait. It get's better. There's always a kid, and when I say always I mean always as in every fucking time, always, absolutely in every situation ever, a kid who loudly exclaims "OR CHANUKAH/HOLIDAYS" whenever a teacher says anything Christmas related. It's like, no, fucking drop it. If a teacher is vacant enough not to realize I'm in the class and I'm Jewish, then just let them live in their own pleasant little world where everyone celebrates Christmas and don't intrude and put me on the spot because I'm perfectly content to be the invisible Jewish girl in the corner and I don't appreciate you making the teacher feel like an asshole, because they don't have anything to apologize for. I mean, it means a lot to me when teachers do remember that I'm Jewish and remember on their own to wish me a Happy Chanukah, so please don't bother the ones who can't do that.
This is not an attack. Please don't take this as an offense to all things you hold near and dear to your heart. It's just...a glimpse into the mind of what it's like for people who don't celebrate Christmas, because there are a lot of us out there. And I think we all feel a similar connection this time of year that people who do celebrate Christmas won't quite ever understand, and maybe this will help those people understand.
If not, I've just made myself look like possibly the most bitter person in the world at this moment. And that's okay, because I am, but I'm hoping my explanation will help you realize it's justified.
This is a little dollop of frosting I found on Facebook.
This status
"I miss soccer so much it is killing me from head to toe. I miss the feel of my cleats against turf, I miss wearing socks that go up to my knees, I miss the soccer ball forming around my foot when I kick it, I miss working so hard to get the ball that sweat drips down my face and soaks my clothes, and I miss the ache in my legs telling me that I worked hard enough to make a difference. </3"
And no, don't jump to conclusions, because I'm not at all ragging on the status, it was a comment it got in response that dropped my jaw.
Oh... Ohh....Oh what a helpful response. Like, this poor girl is letting facebook in on what her brain is going through on this first period of life without soccer, and this bitch is all like "Aw, it's okay though! Like, feel better and stuff!" Omg whaaaaaaat a fantastic response. Ugh, I've had enough of that.
It just...bothers me too much....
Okay moving on.
Well lately it's weird because all that's really on my mind is a lot of cliche stuff about senior year and realizations about growing up...stuff I know has been said a thousand times and I don't feel like rephrasing. I mean obviously there's a shit ton more stuff on my mind, but we're only discussing the small folder titled "stuff we can share with Others". You still with me?
Picture a filing cabinet. That folder is inside of one of those manilla folders there. And there are fifty of those filing cabinets in my mind. So you do the math.
Haha, anyway, here's another winner I just pulled out of that folder!! See sometimes the folder is stocked absolutely chock full and makes the drawer bulge out uncomfortably, and other times its so empty it almost has a negative volume. So now is one of those times where papers are flying in and out randomly and I have no control over anything but the one that's gripped in my hands right now.
(We're going to expand on this metaphor and embellish it throughout this blog {or maybe not, if I don't feel like it, which I probably won't} because that's just kind of my thing right now so stick with it)
Alright, let's reel ourselves back to our point here. And the point is.... CHOPPED IS AN AWESOME SHOW FOOD NETWORK!!! AN AWESOME SHOW!!!
I would do a picture of that right now, and I'm going to explain that later on. But back to Chopped...if you haven't watched an episode yet, cut the shit and watch one already. They're sometimes on all the time, and sometimes not on for a week, so go on then. Watch one.
Anyway, it's later so I guess I can explain why I didn't include a picture. That's because when I do pictures in here, they show up in google image results for searches of those images. So then I get pageviews but it's actually just fuckers out there searching for "quiet volcanic eruptions" or "baby red panda" and I don't think many of them read my blog because let's be honest...how often do you check out the website for an image you look up on google? (Lol at the accidental underline of the space between "you" and "check" haha I suck at things and life in general)
Maybe everyone here should listen to Helen by Nizlopi.
Liiiiiiike right now.
Well, that's all I have to say cubscouts. I have oodles of appreciation for every view that DOES mean a written word of mine was read, and I thank no one but YOU for it.
(--) (--)
W
( )
Well I tried to make a face but it's really tiresome and not all that rewarding, but at least to me it looks like a vampire chicken thing with either a potbelly or cute little wings. See what you wanna see, and check out the poll shalalalaladies and gentlemen. Cast your vote today!!!
P.S. don't you just love when you're sitting there trying to think of a p.s. to write (which totally and completely violates the purpose of a p.s. but piss off) and then your Pandora station starts playing the song the station is for! For example, "Furr" by Blitzen Trapper just started playing on my "Furr" radio. It's always like, fuck yah!!! That's EXACTLY what I'm talkin' bout!!!
I've noticed most of my titles have nothing to do with my posts whatsoever and for the most part are totally vague and provide no clue at all. So that's funny and stuff.
Anyway, also sorry that I don't post in here allllllll the frikety friken time in here anymore - there are reasons for this.
1: Life has been hectic with college shitata lately because I kind of made a spur of the moment decision to apply to 7 more colleges than I was planning for a whopping total of 8 and well....that's no fun.
1A: Because of this first reason actually, my life has become steadily less interesting so I have less delightful stories to tell you all about. But finally and most importantly,
2: A lot of the people I'd normally rant about are now telling me they read my blog and think it's HILLAAAARIIIIOUUUUSSSS
Pictured: One of you laughing (probably)
Haha funny how that works though right? Anyway so now I have to be slightly more careful what I say, but don't worry I will forget about that someday I'm sure. Or at least not care about it at one point.
Anyway, if you are reading this you realize you are now potentially one of the people I secretly want to rant about right now right? You know to be honest, I don't have a specific person in mind, but I know you are wondering if I have the idea of you in my mind. Let's hope for your sake it isn't you right?
Hehh hehh hehhhh.
Okay so anyway there's a comment I might as well address and I admit this is sort of a copout when I can't think of anything to write about but still want to post. But think of it this way: we both win. I get to write my blah-blah-blah, and you get to read it, and I know you're only reading it this far if you love it, so you obviously love it, so you love that I'm writing it, etc, etc, we all win. {{{subliminal messaging:send some of your loved ones some love via showing them this blog over the holidays....just an idea...but actually no, i'm ordering it cuz i can do that cuz this is just......subliminal........}}} Alright, let's get on with the show. This is the comment:
Oh, I can't resist, I'll do all of them, cuz I just love all of them and like I said, we both win since I get to write more and you get to read more. Okay so first one
"This pairs perfectly with my morning (anytime actually) coffee. So please, keep writing because it is/YOU are dynamite. Now on to the funky hair... If you walk in with head full of rainbow locks, or looking like sailor mini moon, hey they might judge you. I wouldn't. I would give you a free meal plan. HOWEVER much of that polychromasia is hidden. Do I get commenter points for using a dope word? Because I feel I should. So the admissions officer may be thinking something like this: You know...this girl is pretty smart, zealous. I hope shes not one of those kids that comes and has something about the school she needs to change....and then we have to put up with all those petitions they send us and fuck...is that purple in her hair? Purples my favorite fucking color. Did I just get a boner? Shit...this girl means business, IIII LIKE HER. ^^Something like that ;)
~Anonymous
You literally win the best comment ever award. So yeah, commenter points coming your way. I like the sound of that.
1000 points for you!!
"http://www.google.com/imgres?q=energizer+bunny&hl=en&biw=1366&bih=643&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=HiL1twTkcIWe9M:&imgrefurl=http://couponkatarina.com/2011/06/request-an-energizer-coupon-booklet-via-text/&docid=Pvf1CF4wvT0p8M&imgurl=http://couponkatarina.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/energizer-bunny.jpg&w=1024&h=923&ei=WjzYTrbNDYrY0QHH0PzmDQ&zoom=1 Wow, I didn't know it was going to be that long, or does it just look that way because the comment box is small?"
(shortly followed by)
"Nope it's still kinda long, never mind about that part."
~Anonymous
This one wins the darling-est comment award
Aahhhhh this picture will make you vomit it's so cute, I know you'll be honored to receive it as your reward!!
Alright we all know that's not the comment I'm getting at. Here we go.
"You're sure right about not all Muslims being evil terrorists. I just wished the media would give everyone a fair shake and cover the horrible atrocities that the Israeli Jews have been committing for the past century. Of course that will never happen. The US media, politicians and allies have there nose so far up Netanyahu's ass that they can smell out his mouth. Don't be naive and think that violence against Israel is unprovoked. There's a certain level of give or take going on there, and the Israelis are certainly doing a lot of 'giving' in the form of kidnappings, torture, civilian bombings, international sabotage (google stuxnet virus) and other forms of clandestine activity...all backed by the CIA and European coalition. There is a reason most of the middle east hates the west, and I can tell you right now its not because they are envious of our "freedom and democracy". Absolutely no one is innocent"
~Anonymous
Well I'm certainly not going to embarrass myself into getting in a debate about this with you because apparently I would be expected to know who this "Netanyahu" dude is in particular. I mean, I know I've heard the name, but you'll probably insist on specifics so I'm just going to focus on the fact that you, my friend, completely missed the point of that post.
That post was meant to admit my mother's racism (something my dad isn't entirely innocent of either) in a poignant manner...ish-ish. It wasn't about the tension in the Middle East against Arab countries and Israel; it was about the tension in my personal life between one religion and another, and I see it all the time. Get it? Do you see why I didn't post bullshit about whatever the fuck is going on in the middle east?? Because I don't really know the ins and outs of everything and I can't pretend that I don't have a bias because of course I have a bias. Your comment sounded significantly biased as well. So congratulations and a job well done, and of course keep up the good work because in begging for internet comments I should obviously expect nothing better.
But on a more serious note, your comment had an uncomfortably hateful edge to it and I'd prefer if you read through a lot more of this blog and try to laugh and think out of the box for a little, because maybe you won't feel the need to ever share angry/hateful theories. Literally, your comment is the epitome of everything I think this blog is in protest of. Bias, anger, ass-holeishness, and not to mention a comment on MY fucking post without a SINGLE nod to me or my perfection? Like you can't just come right out and say "Hi I'm a psycho with psycho political views and also I'm psychotic but Becca, this blog is fucking hilarious except for the fact that you're Jewish which may or may not make me hate you, I'm not sure since this isn't really me it's you pretending to be me, but you get the idea".
All I'm asking for is a little respect people. If not for every citizen of the world, then LEAST OF all for me. After all, am I not the cream of the crop?
Not tryna be sexual or anything, it's just this is the only kind of back picture that doesn't look like this
Lol my apologies if you're eating lasagna. Hahahahaha God, I make myself nauseous, I'm going to have to hit return a bunch of times because I'm literally going to puke.
Thank God that hideous excuse for a "human" body part is out of my vision now. Ew.
Okay well I've got lots of things to discuss today. Namely TWO things.
A:) I was looking at myself in the mirror as I so often do and I realized that I have three colors wacky colors in the hair on my head [I'm so sorry for that catastrophe of a sentence hahahahaha I'm currently laughing so hard at it that I'm keeping it for your own good. You know what I mean though]. Aaaaand I'm going to be participating in a college interview in like two weeks! So I'm just curious if having three immediately visible unnatural colors (and a few more buried under mounds of brown) is going to have an impact on my impact on the admissions...officers? Are they officers? I don't know. Whatever they are. I just wonder if the colors will make them go "Oh she is one of those pathetico girls who dyes her hair crazy colors because she craves attention" or "Oh she is one of those really awesome and funky girls who is awesome and should totally go to our school but secretly does crave attention" or "I'm an admissions officer (officer? is that what I am?) I don't care about shit like your hair color, especially if I'm a guy because I honest to gosh probably wouldn't have noticed it if you didn't bring it up"
What do you think???
Ooooh suspenseful ay, folks? It's like, will anyone comment? YOU control that fate, reader, you know....YOU control whether anyone answers that faaaaaaaascinating question. Can you live up to your potential? We'll see....
Moving on....
To a more serious note....
Seriously it's gonna kinda get kinda dumpy and serious from now on. Because earlier I was watching last night's episode of The Colbert Report (<3) and they had this band from Mali called Tinariwen and it was really cool because Mr. Colbert (I feel like I should refer to him as such) was asking them questions and they had a female translator working them back into...well I have no idea what language but whatever language it is that they speak. And to be honest, I found it awesome that there was a band of non-English speaking men in traditional Arab garb being interviewed by Colbert, who took no opportunity to tone down his inflated impersonation of an idiot.
After the awesome interview, they went to commercial and then came back and played an awesome song. So I jammed up the volume on the television. And then my mom goes to let the dog out, and she looks at the TV with
And she's all "What is this?" And I know immediately that she's being racist right now.
I...I couldn't allow her to look at this awesome, foreign sounding band and belittle them to Arab which is exactly what she was doing. Anyone in Arab garb isn't anyone but an Arab. They're not musicians, or fathers, or sisters, or business people, or college students. They're...well, you get it. So I couldn't let that shit slide so yes, I was maybe slightly if you want to get technical "dis"respectful and so I yelled over the music
"You can't make that face at a band like that! You're only doing that because of how they're dressed, Mum, how dare you! No, you're being racist right now I can't believe it!" or something to that effect ish. It's really hard to match what you said like two hours after you say it, but it was around those lines.
Anyway, as you may or may not know my mother is nearly deaf and combined with the music there's no telling how much of my rampage she heard but later on I heard her talking loudly with my dad in the basement. Originally I was so blasé about it that I didn't bother getting up from my Time Magazine (it is like succhhhh a good issue this week, not to brag that I read Time Magazine, but actually yeah, to brag that I read Time Magazine. I'm educated BITCHES). But then I got interested after it continued for a while, so I walked to the basement door to sneak a peek hearing-wise. I reached it at the ending point though, so I went back to my seat until I heard my dad yell to my mom because he had something else to say. [Please take note that when I describe yelling at my mom, it is not in a violent or aggressive manner, it is just sometimes literally the only way to get her to hear you, and it's only relevant to the story because it explains how I heard all this]
Anyway, when I made it back to the door, I heard the tail-end of a basic explanation from my dad to my mom that "Yes, there are happy and peaceful Muslims out there. They're not all evil honey."
Again, this isn't talking down to her or anything - she's just so brainwashed to the point that you have to break things down into very simple basic statements for her to understand what you're saying, and even then she's still going to scowl when she sees anyone in a turban.
I have a point at the end of all of this. My point is that I don't appreciate that widespread paranoia about the Islamic culture is still permissible. In fact, not only is it permissible, but it's not even politically incorrect!! Fucking politicians believe radical interpretations of Muslims. I don't appreciate that shit like that is even allowed to be published for the sake of people like my mom who get confused easily and are prone to believing anything evil about a race that the "Jews" "consider" an "enemy". And yeah, freedom of speech and all that shit I believe in that 100%, but I'm not sure how I feel about it if all it does is promote hate and war....
P.S.like this post? help me out and share it with your friends!
and to end on a delicious note, mmmmmmm!!!! My dinner tonight, minus everything but the fish.
Don't believe me? Hit it and you'll hear it fall through the insides...but I'm not going to tell you how it happened or why it happened, I'm just telling you that it did.
And you know what song is playing?!?!?! It's only the greatest song ever since...well, I feel like I've abused these words so much that they hardly hold any power anymore. So I'll just say....it's a bitching song.
Oh and I have a story for you all. You see, if you're in my physics class (or any class with me, pretty much) you know what happened to my green nalgene bottle and why I've had to revert back to my old stinky blue one (that yes - has a rubber band around the middle of it. why does that bother everyone so much??). Okay and if you're not, I'm going to direct you to the letter I wrote Nalgene, which will explain in and of itself why I wrote the letter, obviously.
Here it is, verby verbatim folks.
Dear Nalgene
An interesting event occurred concerning my new Nalgene in my physics class recently. You see, we were studying objects in freefall by dropping baseballs out of our two-story window to the ground below. Well, as luck would have it, one of my classmates decided to study the effects of gravity on my recently purchased Nalgene bottle! It landed on the grass and handled the impact well, but it was brought back up and thrown at a cement square, and did not handle that impact well. In fact, my beloved Nalgene SHATTERED, and my cold fresh water was splattered everywhere but my mouth, which is exactly where it belonged!!
I’ve been told Nalgenes are supposed to be indestructible. However, even indestructible items have a limit. As a loyal and returning customer, I’d love to be reimbursed with a new bottle, because nothing can contain my liquids quite as well as your product can! However, in this tough economy, I understand if that’s an impossibility, and will be glad to purchase a new one if my request is too much to ask.
Love your favorite customer,
Rebecca
P.S. May I request the translucent 32 oz wide mouth in key lime? I hope I may, because I just did.
It's just a harmless, well thought out, honest appeal for a ten dollar plastic water bottle for free. And I specified what I wanted because I was trying to be helpful, because the person who had to grant my request was going to obviously wonder what color I would choose!
Anyway, here's their response that I got today
Sidetrack in the blue here - skip over to the black if you don't want to read this right now but you obviously want to cuz sidetracks are the fucking BOMB. Anyway, I'd like to say that one of the most disheartening things one can experience is the feeling of stepping on a pair of comfy pants on the floor and hearing a snap because then you just think "Oh no what did I break" and let me tell you, the solution in times like that is to worry about it later. Cuz eh, if it was on the floor it couldn't have been that important right? Hopefully.
Good day Rebecca,
I am very sorry to hear about your bottle. We will however not be replacing it. We replace bottles if broken under normal conditions yours was not.
While the polycarbonate bottles were much more durable than everyday tritan. The new tritan bottles are not indestructible. The urban myth of our bottles being indestructible when throw from two story windows on to cement is not a fact which your classmates proved.
We are very thankful you loyal customer.
.........
I repeat - that rendition is typo proof, meaning any errors are not errors I made but errors that were in the letter.
Okay so two things. First things first - FUCK YOU BEN!!!
hey waitaminute who's that.
(Just so you know I had a choice of three different fantastic pictures like this to choose from, from three separate days. I'm variable like that)
Anyway, not really though, but kind of really, but it's also a fuck you to everyone else who was like "JUST WRITE IN TO THEM AND THEY WILL SEND YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BECAUSE NALGENES ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE"
Come on guys. Nalgene never claimed its product could be hurled from two stories onto cement (there goes the rice in my computer...cuz I just moved around...haha)
Whatever. I was going to bitch about the pathetic disregard to the English language (more on that in a moment) but then I read that Irene signed from "Customer Service" and so I feel bad because it's like, okay customer service probably has to deal with bullshit all day so a little disregard to the fine points of the language is okay I guess, because I was originally under the impression that someone important from the company had actually responded like that. Which was pretty stupid, in hindsight.
Anyway, just a few more comments to address. This is fun you guys!! I'm not responding to all the comments by the way, only the ones that warrant a response. Alrighty roo scooby dooby doo, here we go.
1: "As the author of the insest comment, I just wanted to say that "captcha" isn't my way of spelling "caption", it's an actual word! See: "A CAPTCHA or Captcha is a type of challenge-response test used in computing to ensure that the response is not generated by a computer." I promise I'm not illiterate!"
~Anonymous
Dude I had no idea and stand corrected. Now I'm gonna use that word a lot....
2: "Shouldn't I just automatically get accepted to college for using "acquiesce" in what I will be severely humbled if what was not a severely well executed manner". Sorry I'm a jackass, but I read that immediately after reading the metaphor about how super smart you are (Coincidentally, how weird would it be if I used the word you're instead of you are right there) and your ability to "shred" people who can't grammar/spell correctly, and because I am prone to wracking spasms of jackassitude, I just had to point out the above sentence. -Adam
Well first of all, let's everybody back up here and remember who is the one who came up with an awesome metaphor about rats and being smart and boots that kick rats that are wet...that was me. And such a delicate croissant of a sentence cannot be imagined without being as brilliant as me. So let's get that straight.
Alright and furthermore, when I come up with big ol' sentences like the one you quoted or other complicated blobs you can find sprinkled throughout some of the posts, I spend a lot of time on them trying to figure out if they make sense or not. About 50% of the time I'll delete something because I'm just like "Alright, pretty sure that makes no sense at all" and 50% of the time I'm like "Fuck it if it makes sense it makes sense if it doesn't the joke is on the reader"
So...I guess that one made it through the cracks but at the same time, I still feel pretty confident that it makes sense (unless you're talking about forgetting "in" before "to")
Unless...unless you quoted that sentence not because it doesn't make sense but because I didn't use acquiesce correctly? In that case, I still feel decently confident that I did that right too!!
But like I said, I'll be severely humbled if I didn't.
p.s. this is a long ass post, thanks for sticking through if you made it. that pie is for you, but realize that if it was real I would totally eat it and not share with you. but still, you can enjoy the picture.
or is that only for people who have died? Oh well, Carly will die eventually.
Yah, Carla I was inspired by a text that I was writing out for you (and if you're reading this and you AREN'T my sister than just shut up and pretend you are for a bit okay?) and I decided instead of texting I would share it on my blog because it's a stroll down memory lane back at a really hilarious (and smelly!!) time. Confused?? Read on!!!
You'll appreciate this image much more in just a little bit.
Anyway, remember that time you spent my birthday THROWING UP EVERYWHERE? Why, I even posted about it here if you don't. Well remember the funny part that isn't mentioned there because I experienced it about two days later, because that's when I ate a great big dinner of spicy lasagna and then I started to feel sick to my stomach so I went to bed early, figuring I was just tired. Well it turns out Throw Uppy Becca the Throw Upper who Throws Up A Lot can't "sleep away" nausea, so I got up about 20 minutes later with a mouth full of vomit (I only got up, mind you, because I had tried to swallow it down but it gurgled its way past my swallowing reflexes and threatened to spew out my mouth)
Okay and let me also back up and explain why I tried to swallow my vomit. Because that sounds really gross, I know. But like, hear me out. This was roughly a month after I had just gone through the worst stomach flu ever suffered by a human being in the history of ever, because every time I threw up I didn't even stop being nauseous. It was just like a 12 hour constant fun ride of nausea nausea nausea. So yeah, I wasn't keen on technicolor yawning again any time soon.
Anyway, the vomit didn't just threaten to spew out of my mouth - it did. It spewed right out onto our door/doorframe/doorway and hallway carpet and then I ran to the bathroom and did I puke in the toilet? No, no I'm Throw Uppy Becca the Throw Upper who Throws up in Places that Aren't the Toilet and I HURLED into the sink.
:-)
This is where you're supposed to remember the cheese, cuz remember how the entire second floor of our house pretty much stank like cheese because of it? I mean, half of it was covered in half digested cheese/enchilada sauce anyway, so it made sense. But so pungent no one would ever have thought possible.
Anyway, Carlo you were just like
"Are you okay"
Or something. Actually I don't remember exactly what you said, but I wanted to go back to bed cuz I thought I was all better but you advised me to stay downstairs because this vomiting would not soon cease, and you were unfortunately right.
But like, then you cleaned it all up!! Vomit-cheese stench and everything. That was awful nice and also gave me the chance to bring my readers through the story of one of my radical regurgitations. I have a lot of them, and they're actually all radical, but this was quite the radicalest in that I stained our carpet orange thanks to the bright red enchilada sauce and orange cheddar cheese. Soooooo delicious!!!
Don't worry, I ate some spicy lasagna tonight and it was delicious and I still love to eat it.
Anyway, as a blogger and high school senior I feel obligated to get down to business and talk about the one word that I'm going to rant about for only a little bit: college.
Why only a little bit? Because yeah, I'm tired of it being all that anyone cares about now (well, not anyone, but an unfortunately large percentage of that) and I do hate the question "Where are you going" blah blah blah, but almost as much as that, I hate the people who complain about people who talk about college too.
It's like, please bitches, you're the one bringing up college right now. When I say I don't want to talk about college, I'm including the people who discuss college in the first place, and by complaining about them you're talking to me about college, and fuck that.
But on top of that, it's silly to get worked up about because as a senior in high school in America, there's really nothing else I (we) could or should expect. So that's really all that I have to say about college...I have precisely nothing to say about it, that's why I don't care to talk about it, but I get that I have to so...I acquiesce for the necessary people.
[[Shouldn't I just automatically get accepted to college for using "acquiesce" in what I will be severely humbled if what was not a severely well executed manner]]
That, and I wish I could use my blog as my college essay.
That's right everyone, there has been a FLOOD of comments (and by that I mean six since the last time I mentioned a comment, and out of those three were in the last 24 hours) and so I decided that instead of commenting on them all which you fuckers would probably never notice because you all suck way more than should even be physically possible. Anyway, where was I going with this?
Ah yes, I'm going to address these comments now. Well, the last three, anyway, as they warrant a response. I was just going to delete that but I decided to myself, No, let them see what I planned to do, then let them see that I changed my mind!
So yah, I'll address all six of 'em, cuz I love all six of you (though at the very most there can only be 5 because two are very obviously the same person). Anyway. Chronologically numero
UNO:
"I don't know if you really understand how funny this blog is, this is perfect." ~ Anonymous
Well thank you very much, but clearly it is only half as perfect as you are because you're the one reading it and calling it perfect. See what I did there? You are the ultimate winner, because you are the intelligent consumer who is entertained by me!!! It is awesome to be you anonymous!!! (and don't you dare take that as sarcastic, because I mean every last bit of it, but I'm assuming you're quite the best in that you already know that)
DOS:
L.H. :) ~Anonymous
Who- I mean, what? What's that you say?
TRES:
"Like that chick dude..." Laughing my ass off over here. My friend, you are wise beyond your years. You spout truth and hilarity at every turn, I love the zig-zaggy nature of your brain-waves, and now I'm craving a mustard sweater. I can't wait to read more. Seriously...I can't wait. Write more. Now." ~Meta, Merta, Meat
Well only because you insisted! And by the way, no you aren't craving a mustard sweater right now, they suck and make your nose itchy but are tantalizingly bitchingly red.
CUATRO:
"Why is this titled "Okay AP bio students, answer me this!!" ????" ~ Anonymous
Well, excellent question but also very stupid at the same time. I started the post with a quiz, ya see, a little test to see if the ap bio kids could think of the solution I thought of!! Does that make sense to you? I hope so. I hope it as much as my blueberry yogurt is delicious, and if you've ever had blueberry yogurt you know what that means.
CINCO:
"Okay, so I will admit that all the information I get about the world comes from either The Daily Show, Time Magazine, or Mr. Sante's class." ^YES!" ~Anonymous
You too?!?!? You two?!?!?! You to.....!!!??? Listen to such great heights by the postal service.
SEIS:
"OH MY GOSH when I went to comment on this it had me type out that captcha thing to make sure I wasn't a robot..... and the word it had me spell was "INSEST" ...it's creepy enough that that's the word they came up with, but the fact that it's spelled wrong is downright disgusting." ~Anonymous
Well first of all you're the reason I decided to make this post because there are so many points I need to address. First of all, your lack of not only the "n" in the word "caption" but of total disregard to the conventional spelling of the word distracted me for a long time so that it was difficult to understand what you were trying to say. Okay, so there's that and there's the fact that you're hilariously complaining about the robot computer guy or whatever mispelling the word "incest" with "insest".
Well first of all dipshit, at least you can still read what they're trying to say. This "captcha=caption" logic in your mind is not supporting you in this crusade.
And secondly, that's not creepy that they chose that word - it's wonderful. All things too disturbing to talk about are wonderful - why else do I read the wikipedia pages of serial killers? And not just the average serial killers, I'm talking men who eat young girls and paddle themselves in the butt with nails.
He's a cool guy, his name's Albert Fish. Check him out.
And I wouldn't go around using "disgusting" as the best adjective to describe someone making a spelling mistake, when, again, I don't want to keep bringing it up, but really, in what literacy level is "captcha" acceptable for other than a pronunciation spelling of "capture"?
Well that got awful mean towards the end and I bet I near set you to tears didn't I - if I didn't, then I failed in my goal. Anyway, don't cry though (wait what? didn't I just tell you that making you cry was my goal?)
But really, I'm just being nitpicky on purpose. That is a silly little thing that happened and I get what you're saying and "tee hee hee" and all that jazz, but you see, you just made it too easy to make fun of you, you know what I mean?
I'm not you know, morally uncorrupt or anything. If you present yourself as a sorry wet rat and I just got a new pair of boots, I'm going to kick you hard. In that metaphor, the sorry wet rat is a really dumb person, and my new pair of boots is like my intelligence and ability to rip them to shreds, and kicking them hard is ya know, my following through with my duty.
So anyway, if it bothers you then take my investment of time into making fun of you as a compliment, cuz it means I want you to get better! So don't be dumb next time and you won't be made fun of!! Deal??
Oh and I'll have you all know that in the midst of writing this, I thought I heard my dad yell "Rebe" and then I heard a very definite holler of "REBE!" up the stairs. So I open the door and try to turn down my music but you know how I am with turning down music at times like this - I just always fuck things up.
So then I open the door but I don't leave my room cuz I'm just in my underwear and like putting jeans back on is a hassle (and if you have to know why I was in my underwear it's because that's really just the most comfortable way to be sometimes and if you don't agree then I'm sorry that you have such uncomfortable underwear/hideous leg malformations). So there I am in the darkness (cuz dang does it get dark early after daylight savings time ends, and none of the lights were on) and I'm like "What" hoping don't say it smells dont say it smells don't say it smells the entire time and he goes
"Do you know if the library initiative passed?"
Like WTF Daddy, voting day was two fucking days ago, and also, I'm a useless blob, how would I know something like that?! And also, why holler up the stairs twice and make me turn down my music and come to the door sans pants. That's just silly and dumb.
Well that's enough for today isn't it? Keep up the posting and the pageviews my darlings, you know I love you all so very much and every bit of feedback and word of mouth you give me makes me go
P.S. Wowwww I am dumb I published this before coming back to edit what I forgot to mention---
