On the topic of holidays and the like

since I figure I might as well throw you guys a relevant title every once and a while. But yeah two catalysts triggered my need to post about the holidays.

First, John Stewart. My only favorite person that has ever probably existed and will ever exist again ever. He made a really fucking good point against the  "War on Christmas" that Fox claims America is waging by taking Christmas out of store-greetings and calling Christmas trees "Holiday Trees". (And on a side note about that sentence, let's just make it clear that obviously stores should leave Christmas out of holiday greetings because it's like...not everyone celebrates Christmas. And as an individual who has gone through copious amounts of this awkwardness I can tell you, it's SO not worth assuming someone celebrates Christmas. On the other hands, Christmas trees are Christmas trees and have never been anything else and will never be anything more so for the love of God and even the atheists, call it what it is and no more of this HOLIDAY TREE boooollllllllshaaaattttttttt)

And that's basically what Jon Stewart said. Like, no you guys, there actually isn't a fucking war on Christmas, there are actually loads of people who don't want to be wished a Merry Christmas, and a lot of other brilliant Jon Stewart-isms. Actually, just forget all that I said and watch it here. It's worth it.


That's the first time I've been snapped back to reality since I've been watching Fox News every morning since freshman year. Why do I watch it you ask? I don't really know. I like the relaxed Fox and Friends style I guess... But seriously, Jon Stewart made me realize wow am I tired of hearing this shit, because their claims really are bogus. And then Carly came home this weekend and we both had a ridiculous vent session about how difficult it is to be Jewish in December.

First of all, by even mentioning this I'm making myself sound like the fucking Grinch in half of your eyes. How dare I not be at least cheerful of the season, people ask me, as they're handing me a candy cane while wearing a reindeer sweater and a Santa Claus hat and Jingle Bells is playing on the radio. Jingle bells doesn't even say anything about Christmas, they argue. Oh, touche, hadn't thought of that. Hadn't thought of the fact that it's still played in the absolute abundance of all things that ARE Christmas for example red and green wreaths and santas and pine trees and those new boots for sale and mistletoe and dingly ringly jingly bells and blinking lights and the enormous santa claus factory with a train running through it in the middle of the mall....should I go on? No, because then I'd never stop,

Oh but look! they exclaim, pointing out the shelf at Target that I already noticed four minutes ago. They have a Jewish section!!

And what a proud fucking Jewish section it is.

(Courtesy of this blogpost that is actually celebrating this weak-old-person-fart of a display)

Yeah you know, I get that you're trying to be inclusive and stuff, but that's the same shit I remember seeing since 2002. Is it that much to ask for like, an update, or maybe like a menorah that isn't just fifteen dollars.

And what people don't realize is that while everyone grows up and experiences the subtle loss of magic the holidays once held over them as children, it's different for people who don't celebrate Christmas. Because if they celebrate other holidays, they're still reminded of Christmas everywhere they fucking step outside, just like you guys are. The difference is, we don't get to be reminded of our holiday. It sucks and it's uncomfortable and you don't even remember it's Chanukah until you're home, and you see the decorations that you've garnished your living room up in every December since you can remember, even though you're finally realizing its true purpose: to remind you that here we celebrate Chanukah, and we get excited for CHANUKAH and if everyone is going to jam Christmas down our throats and ears and eyes via every seasonal treat and holiday song and television special, then by golly we're going to shove Chanukah down our own throats as a mouthwash to get that sickening eggnog taste out of our mouths. The result is...now that I'm older, this time of year encourages a pitifully low amount of cheer, and all the Christmas stuff in the world only makes me bitter.

Do I want to be bitter? No! Do you know how much I used to try to get excited about Christmas for other people, for their sake? And how much I still do? I want to like the Grinch Stole Christmas, it would be so convenient to love the smell of pinetrees and walnuts and ham or whatever it is this time of year smells like. But I can't because I just simply do not celebrate that holiday. And you do and that is perfectly fine! I'm excited for you that you celebrate it. But please let me fucking leave it be at just that! I don't give two, not even one, not even one divided by infiniti shits about Christmas. And like...I'm sorry. I genuinely am. I wish that I did. It would be so much better for both of us if I did, probably. Unless you're Jewish or otherwise excluded from Christmas - then we'll only get each other on a whole 'nother level because of it.

But the truth is, it's always been a horribly conflicting time of year for my sister and I, and it's really only something other Jews can understand. What are we supposed to say when we're at Corningwear buying a bunch of kitchen shit because it's on sale and Papa gets a 30% off discount because he works at Corning, and he's also buying stuff for Carly's apartment as an early Chanukah present and we also, as a collective family, look awkward and weird as shit, and the cashier lady says , "Doing early Christmas shopping?"

My throat literally shuts in situations like that - I can't explain it any differently. I am literally physically incapable of saying "Yes" because no, I am not fucking doing Christmas shopping in any way whatsoever and you are not correct. But I despise the whole "Uh er well Chanukah Shopping heh" and the immediate "OH I'M SO SORRY OH CHANUKAH THAT IS FUN!" and heaven forbid you're in a situation like a haircut or something and you have to talk to this person for a prolonged period of time? By the end of your session, your companion will know your family's entire traditions concerning the holiday as well as common misconceptions and fun facts.

Oh and wait. It get's better. There's always a kid, and when I say always I mean always as in every fucking time, always, absolutely in every situation ever, a kid who loudly exclaims "OR CHANUKAH/HOLIDAYS" whenever a teacher says anything Christmas related. It's like, no, fucking drop it. If a teacher is vacant enough not to realize I'm in the class and I'm Jewish, then just let them live in their own pleasant little world where everyone celebrates Christmas and don't intrude and put me on the spot because I'm perfectly content to be the invisible Jewish girl in the corner and I don't appreciate you making the teacher feel like an asshole, because they don't have anything to apologize for. I mean, it means a lot to me when teachers do remember that I'm Jewish and remember on their own to wish me a Happy Chanukah, so please don't bother the ones who can't do that.

This is not an attack. Please don't take this as an offense to all things you hold near and dear to your heart. It's just...a glimpse into the mind of what it's like for people who don't celebrate Christmas, because there are a lot of us out there.  And I think we all feel a similar connection this time of year that people who do celebrate Christmas won't quite ever understand, and maybe this will help those people understand.

If not, I've just made myself look like possibly the most bitter person in the world at this moment. And that's okay, because I am, but I'm hoping my explanation will help you realize it's justified.

Happy December 17th!