Why...what is THIS?

you ask.

It is ME my dears, and I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack

Not tryna be sexual or anything, it's just this is the only kind of back picture that doesn't look like this

Lol my apologies if you're eating lasagna. Hahahahaha God, I make myself nauseous, I'm going to have to hit return a bunch of times because I'm literally going to puke.

Thank God that hideous excuse for a "human" body part is out of my vision now. Ew.

Okay well I've got lots of things to discuss today. Namely TWO things.

A:) I was looking at myself in the mirror as I so often do and I realized that I have three colors wacky colors in the hair on my head [I'm so sorry for that catastrophe of a sentence hahahahaha I'm currently laughing so hard at it that I'm keeping it for your own good. You know what I mean though]. Aaaaand I'm going to be participating in a college interview in like two weeks! So I'm just curious if having three immediately visible unnatural colors (and a few more buried under mounds of brown) is going to have an impact on my impact on the admissions...officers? Are they officers? I don't know. Whatever they are.  I just wonder if the colors will make them go "Oh she is one of those pathetico girls who dyes her hair crazy colors because she craves attention" or "Oh she is one of those really awesome and funky girls who is awesome and should totally go to our school but secretly does crave attention" or "I'm an admissions officer (officer? is that what I am?) I don't care about shit like your hair color, especially if I'm a guy because I honest to gosh probably wouldn't have noticed it if you didn't bring it up" 

What do you think???

Ooooh suspenseful ay, folks? It's like, will anyone comment? YOU control that fate, reader, you know....YOU control whether anyone answers that faaaaaaaascinating question. Can you live up to your potential? We'll see....

Moving on....

To a more serious note....

Seriously it's gonna kinda get kinda dumpy and serious from now on. Because earlier I was watching last night's episode of The Colbert Report (<3) and they had this band from Mali called Tinariwen and it was really cool because Mr. Colbert (I feel like I should refer to him as such) was asking them questions and they had a female translator working them back into...well I have no idea what language but whatever language it is that they speak. And to be honest, I found it awesome that there was a band of non-English speaking men in traditional Arab garb being interviewed by Colbert, who took no opportunity to tone down his inflated impersonation of an idiot. 

After the awesome interview, they went to commercial and then came back and played an awesome song. So I jammed up the volume on the television. And then my mom goes to let the dog out, and she looks at the TV with

And she's all "What is this?" And I know immediately that she's being racist right now.

I...I couldn't allow her to look at this awesome, foreign sounding band and belittle them to Arab which is exactly what she was doing. Anyone in Arab garb isn't anyone but an Arab. They're not musicians, or fathers, or sisters, or business people, or college students. They're...well, you get it. So I couldn't let that shit slide so yes, I was maybe slightly if you want to get technical "dis"respectful and so I yelled over the music

"You can't make that face at a band like that! You're only doing that because of how they're dressed, Mum, how dare you! No, you're being racist right now I can't believe it!" or something to that effect ish. It's really hard to match what you said like two hours after you say it, but it was around those lines.

Anyway, as you may or may not know my mother is nearly deaf and combined with the music there's no telling how much of my rampage she heard but later on I heard her talking loudly with my dad in the basement. Originally I was so blasé about it that I didn't bother getting up from my Time Magazine (it is like succhhhh a good issue this week, not to brag that I read Time Magazine, but actually yeah, to brag that I read Time Magazine. I'm educated BITCHES). But then I got interested after it continued for a while, so I walked to the basement door to sneak a peek hearing-wise. I reached it at the ending point though, so I went back to my seat until I heard my dad yell to my mom because he had something else to say. [Please take note that when I describe yelling at my mom, it is not in a violent or aggressive manner, it is just sometimes literally the only way to get her to hear you, and it's only relevant to the story because it explains how I heard all this]

Anyway, when I made it back to the door, I heard the tail-end of a basic explanation from my dad to my mom that "Yes, there are happy and peaceful Muslims out there. They're not all evil honey."

Again, this isn't talking down to her or anything - she's just so brainwashed to the point that you have to break things down into very simple basic statements for her to understand what you're saying, and even then she's still going to scowl when she sees anyone in a turban.

I have a point at the end of all of this. My point is that I don't appreciate that widespread paranoia about the Islamic culture is still permissible. In fact, not only is it permissible, but it's not even politically incorrect!! Fucking politicians believe radical interpretations of Muslims. I don't appreciate that shit like that is even allowed to be published for the sake of people like my mom who get confused easily and are prone to believing anything evil about a race that the "Jews" "consider" an "enemy". And yeah, freedom of speech and all that shit I believe in that 100%, but I'm not sure how I feel about it if all it does is promote hate and war....

P.S. like this post? help me out and share it with your friends!

and to end on a delicious note, mmmmmmm!!!! My dinner tonight, minus everything but the fish.

First of all, I have rice in my computer

Don't believe me? Hit it and you'll hear it fall through the insides...but I'm not going to tell you how it happened or why it happened, I'm just telling you that it did.


And you know what song is playing?!?!?! It's only the greatest song ever since...well, I feel like I've abused these words so much that they hardly hold any power anymore. So I'll just say....it's a bitching song.

Oh and I have a story for you all. You see, if you're in my physics class (or any class with me, pretty much) you know what happened to my green nalgene bottle and why I've had to revert back to my old stinky blue one (that yes - has a rubber band around the middle of it. why does that bother everyone so much??). Okay and if you're not, I'm going to direct you to the letter I wrote Nalgene, which will explain in and of itself why I wrote the letter, obviously.

Here it is, verby verbatim folks.

Dear Nalgene

An interesting event occurred concerning my new Nalgene in my physics class recently. You see, we were studying objects in freefall by dropping baseballs out of our two-story window to the ground below. Well, as luck would have it, one of my classmates decided to study the effects of gravity on my recently purchased Nalgene bottle! It landed on the grass and handled the impact well, but it was brought back up and thrown at a cement square, and did not handle that impact well. In fact, my beloved Nalgene SHATTERED, and my cold fresh water was splattered everywhere but my mouth, which is exactly where it belonged!!

            I’ve been told Nalgenes are supposed to be indestructible. However, even indestructible items have a limit. As a loyal and returning customer, I’d love to be reimbursed with a new bottle, because nothing can contain my liquids quite as well as your product can! However, in this tough economy, I understand if that’s an impossibility, and will be glad to purchase a new one if my request is too much to ask.

Love your favorite customer,

            Rebecca 

P.S. May I request the translucent 32 oz wide mouth in key lime? I hope I may, because I just did.

It's just a harmless, well thought out, honest appeal for a ten dollar plastic water bottle for free. And I specified what I wanted because I was trying to be helpful, because the person who had to grant my request was going to obviously wonder what color I would choose!

Anyway, here's their response that I got today


Sidetrack in the blue here - skip over to the black if you don't want to read this right now but you obviously want to cuz sidetracks are the fucking BOMB. Anyway, I'd like to say that one of the most disheartening things one can experience is the feeling of stepping on a pair of comfy pants on the floor and hearing a snap because then you just think "Oh no what did I break" and let me tell you, the solution in times like that is to worry about it later. Cuz eh, if it was on the floor it couldn't have been that important right? Hopefully.




Good day Rebecca,
I am very sorry to hear about your bottle. We will however not be replacing it. We replace bottles if broken under normal conditions yours was not.

While the polycarbonate bottles were much more durable than everyday tritan. The new tritan bottles are not indestructible. The urban myth of our bottles being indestructible when throw from two story windows on to cement is not a fact which your classmates proved.
We are very thankful you loyal customer.




.........



I repeat - that rendition is typo proof, meaning any errors are not errors I made but errors that were in the letter.

Okay so two things. First things first - FUCK YOU BEN!!!

hey waitaminute who's that.

(Just so you know I had a choice of three different fantastic pictures like this to choose from, from three separate days. I'm variable like that)

Anyway, not really though, but kind of really, but it's also a fuck you to everyone else who was like "JUST WRITE IN TO THEM AND THEY WILL SEND YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BECAUSE NALGENES ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE"

Come on guys. Nalgene never claimed its product could be hurled from two stories onto cement (there goes the rice in my computer...cuz I just moved around...haha)

Whatever. I was going to bitch about the pathetic disregard to the English language (more on that in a moment) but then I read that Irene signed from "Customer Service" and so I feel bad because it's like, okay customer service probably has to deal with bullshit all day so a little disregard to the fine points of the language is okay I guess, because I was originally under the impression that someone important from the company had actually responded like that. Which was pretty stupid, in hindsight. 

Anyway, just a few more comments to address. This is fun you guys!! I'm not responding to all the comments by the way, only the ones that warrant a response. Alrighty roo scooby dooby doo, here we go.

1: "As the author of the insest comment, I just wanted to say that "captcha" isn't my way of spelling "caption", it's an actual word! See: "A CAPTCHA or Captcha is a type of challenge-response test used in computing to ensure that the response is not generated by a computer." I promise I'm not illiterate!"

~Anonymous

Dude I had no idea and stand corrected. Now I'm gonna use that word a lot....

2: "Shouldn't I just automatically get accepted to college for using "acquiesce" in what I will be severely humbled if what was not a severely well executed manner". Sorry I'm a jackass, but I read that immediately after reading the metaphor about how super smart you are (Coincidentally, how weird would it be if I used the word you're instead of you are right there) and your ability to "shred" people who can't grammar/spell correctly, and because I am prone to wracking spasms of jackassitude, I just had to point out the above sentence. -Adam

Well first of all, let's everybody back up here and remember who is the one who came up with an awesome metaphor about rats and being smart and boots that kick rats that are wet...that was me. And such a delicate croissant of a sentence cannot be imagined without being as brilliant as me. So let's get that straight.

Alright and furthermore, when I come up with big ol' sentences like the one you quoted or other complicated blobs you can find sprinkled throughout some of the posts, I spend a lot of time on them trying to figure out if they make sense or not. About 50% of the time I'll delete something because I'm just like "Alright, pretty sure that makes no sense at all" and 50% of the time I'm like "Fuck it if it makes sense it makes sense if it doesn't the joke is on the reader"

So...I guess that one made it through the cracks but at the same time, I still feel pretty confident that it makes sense (unless you're talking about forgetting "in" before "to")

Unless...unless you quoted that sentence not because it doesn't make sense but because I didn't use acquiesce correctly? In that case, I still feel decently confident that I did that right too!!

But like I said, I'll be severely humbled if I didn't.

p.s. this is a long ass post, thanks for sticking through if you made it. that pie is for you, but realize that if it was real I would totally eat it and not share with you. but still, you can enjoy the picture.

Now for a tribute

or is that only for people who have died? Oh well, Carly will die eventually.

Yah, Carla I was inspired by a text that I was writing out for you (and if you're reading this and you AREN'T my sister than just shut up and pretend you are for a bit okay?) and I decided instead of texting I would share it on my blog because it's a stroll down memory lane back at a really hilarious (and smelly!!) time. Confused?? Read on!!!

You'll appreciate this image much more in just a little bit.

Anyway, remember that time you spent my birthday THROWING UP EVERYWHERE? Why, I even posted about it here if you don't. Well remember the funny part that isn't mentioned there because I experienced it about two days later, because that's when I ate a great big dinner of spicy lasagna and then I started to feel sick to my stomach so I went to bed early, figuring I was just tired. Well it turns out Throw Uppy Becca the Throw Upper who Throws Up A Lot can't "sleep away" nausea, so I got up about 20 minutes later with a mouth full of vomit (I only got up, mind you, because I had tried to swallow it down but it gurgled its way past my swallowing reflexes and threatened to spew out my mouth)

Okay and let me also back up and explain why I tried to swallow my vomit. Because that sounds really gross, I know. But like, hear me out. This was roughly a month after I had just gone through the worst stomach flu ever suffered by a human being in the history of ever, because every time I threw up I didn't even stop being nauseous. It was just like a 12 hour constant fun ride of nausea nausea nausea. So yeah, I wasn't keen on technicolor yawning again any time soon.

Anyway, the vomit didn't just threaten to spew out of my mouth - it did. It spewed right out onto our door/doorframe/doorway and hallway carpet and then I ran to the bathroom and did I puke in the toilet? No, no I'm Throw Uppy Becca the Throw Upper who Throws up in Places that Aren't the Toilet and I HURLED into the sink.

:-)

This is where you're supposed to remember the cheese, cuz remember how the entire second floor of our house pretty much stank like cheese because of it? I mean, half of it was covered in half digested cheese/enchilada sauce anyway, so it made sense. But so pungent no one would ever have thought possible.

Anyway, Carlo you were just like 

"Are you okay"

Or something. Actually I don't remember exactly what you said, but I wanted to go back to bed cuz I thought I was all better but you advised me to stay downstairs because this vomiting would not soon cease, and you were unfortunately right.

But like, then you cleaned it all up!! Vomit-cheese stench and everything. That was awful nice and also gave me the chance to bring my readers through the story of one of my radical regurgitations. I have a lot of them, and they're actually all radical, but this was quite the radicalest in that I stained our carpet orange thanks to the bright red enchilada sauce and orange cheddar cheese. Soooooo delicious!!!

Don't worry, I ate some spicy lasagna tonight and it was delicious and I still love to eat it. 

Anyway, as a blogger and high school senior I feel obligated to get down to business and talk about the one word that I'm going to rant about for only a little bit: college.

Why only a little bit? Because yeah, I'm tired of it being all that anyone cares about now (well, not anyone, but an unfortunately large percentage of that) and I do hate the question "Where are you going" blah blah blah, but almost as much as that, I hate the people who complain about people who talk about college too.

It's like, please bitches, you're the one bringing up college right now. When I say I don't want to talk about college, I'm including the people who discuss college in the first place, and by complaining about them you're talking to me about college, and fuck that.

But on top of that, it's silly to get worked up about because as a senior in high school in America, there's really nothing else I (we) could or should expect. So that's really all that I have to say about college...I have precisely nothing to say about it, that's why I don't care to talk about it, but I get that I have to so...I acquiesce for the necessary people.

[[Shouldn't I just automatically get accepted to college for using "acquiesce" in what I will be severely humbled if what was not a severely well executed manner]]

That, and I wish I could use my blog as my college essay.

Yummmyyyyy, especially the goatee part.

Let's address some exciting new comments!!

That's right everyone, there has been a FLOOD of comments (and by that I mean six since the last time I mentioned a comment, and out of those three were in the last 24 hours) and so I decided that instead of commenting on them all which you fuckers would probably never notice because you all suck way more than should even be physically possible. Anyway, where was I going with this?

Ah yes, I'm going to address these comments now. Well, the last three, anyway, as they warrant a response. I was just going to delete that but I decided to myself, No, let them see what I planned to do, then let them see that I changed my mind!


So yah, I'll address all six of 'em, cuz I love all six of you (though at the very most there can only be 5 because two are very obviously the same person). Anyway. Chronologically numero


UNO:


"I don't know if you really understand how funny this blog is, this is perfect." ~ Anonymous


Well thank you very much, but clearly it is only half as perfect as you are because you're the one reading it and calling it perfect. See what I did there? You are the ultimate winner, because you are the intelligent consumer who is entertained by me!!! It is awesome to be you anonymous!!! (and don't you dare take that as sarcastic, because I mean every last bit of it, but I'm assuming you're quite the best in that you already know that)


DOS:


L.H. :) ~Anonymous


Who- I mean, what? What's that you say?

TRES:


"Like that chick dude..." Laughing my ass off over here. My friend, you are wise beyond your years. You spout truth and hilarity at every turn, I love the zig-zaggy nature of your brain-waves, and now I'm craving a mustard sweater. I can't wait to read more. Seriously...I can't wait. Write more. Now." ~Meta, Merta, Meat


Well only because you insisted! And by the way, no you aren't craving a mustard sweater right now, they suck and make your nose itchy but are tantalizingly bitchingly red.

CUATRO:


"Why is this titled "Okay AP bio students, answer me this!!" ????" ~ Anonymous


Well, excellent question but also very stupid at the same time. I started the post with a quiz, ya see, a little test to see if the ap bio kids could think of the solution I thought of!! Does that make sense to you? I hope so. I hope it as much as my blueberry yogurt is delicious, and if you've ever had blueberry yogurt you know what that means.

CINCO:


"Okay, so I will admit that all the information I get about the world comes from either The Daily Show, Time Magazine, or Mr. Sante's class." ^YES!" ~Anonymous


You too?!?!? You two?!?!?! You to.....!!!???  Listen to such great heights by the postal service.

SEIS:


"OH MY GOSH when I went to comment on this it had me type out that captcha thing to make sure I wasn't a robot..... and the word it had me spell was "INSEST" ...it's creepy enough that that's the word they came up with, but the fact that it's spelled wrong is downright disgusting." ~Anonymous


Well first of all you're the reason I decided to make this post because there are so many points I need to address. First of all, your lack of not only the "n" in the word "caption" but of total disregard to the conventional spelling of the word distracted me for a long time so that it was difficult to understand what you were trying to say. Okay, so there's that and there's the fact that you're hilariously complaining about the robot computer guy or whatever mispelling the word "incest" with "insest".

Well first of all dipshit, at least you can still read what they're trying to say. This "captcha=caption" logic in your mind is not supporting you in this crusade.

And secondly, that's not creepy that they chose that word - it's wonderful. All things too disturbing to talk about are wonderful - why else do I read the wikipedia pages of serial killers? And not just the  average serial killers, I'm talking men who eat young girls and paddle themselves in the butt with nails.

He's a cool guy, his name's Albert Fish. Check him out.

And I wouldn't go around using "disgusting" as the best adjective to describe someone making a spelling mistake, when, again, I don't want to keep bringing it up, but really, in what literacy level is "captcha" acceptable for other than a pronunciation spelling of "capture"?

Well that got awful mean towards the end and I bet I near set you to tears didn't I - if I didn't, then I failed in my goal. Anyway, don't cry though (wait what? didn't I just tell you that making you cry was my goal?)

But really, I'm just being nitpicky on purpose. That is a silly little thing that happened and I get what you're saying and "tee hee hee" and all that jazz, but you see, you just made it too easy to make fun of you, you know what I mean?

I'm not you know, morally uncorrupt or anything. If you present yourself as a sorry wet rat and I just got a new pair of boots, I'm going to kick you hard. In that metaphor, the sorry wet rat is a really dumb person, and my new pair of boots is like my intelligence and ability to rip them to shreds, and kicking them hard is ya know, my following through with my duty.

So anyway, if it bothers you then take my investment of time into making fun of you as a compliment, cuz it means I want you to get better! So don't be dumb next time and you won't be made fun of!! Deal??

Oh and I'll have you all know that in the midst of writing this, I thought I heard my dad yell "Rebe" and then I heard a very definite holler of "REBE!" up the stairs. So I open the door and try to turn down my music but you know how I am with turning down music at times like this - I just always fuck things up.

So then I open the door but I don't leave my room cuz I'm just in my underwear and like putting jeans back on is a hassle (and if you have to know why I was in my underwear it's because that's really just the most comfortable way to be sometimes and if you don't agree then I'm sorry that you have such uncomfortable underwear/hideous leg malformations). So there I am in the darkness (cuz dang does it get dark early after daylight savings time ends, and none of the lights were on) and I'm like "What" hoping don't say it smells dont say it smells don't say it smells the entire time and he goes

"Do you know if the library initiative passed?"

Like WTF Daddy, voting day was two fucking days ago, and also, I'm a useless blob, how would I know something like that?! And also, why holler up the stairs twice and make me turn down my music and come to the door sans pants. That's just silly and dumb.

Well that's enough for today isn't it? Keep up the posting and the pageviews my darlings, you know I love you all so very much and every bit of feedback and word of mouth you give me makes me go 

P.S. Wowwww I am dumb I published this before coming back to edit what I forgot to mention---

HAPPY 3000(+) PAGE VIEWS!!!!!

Thank you!!!!! :-D