Hahahahaha first of all, FUCK!

Haha okay so I'm smoking in the bathroom okay (which I totally do all the time because standards in this house have just completely collapsed or something but who's still wildly successful and intilegenté? This bitch) and so without even thinking to see if anyone is in the hallway, I just open the door with my computer blasting music and my little stinky goodies bag slung around my shoulder. And then I hear someone open the hallway closet door.

That is my attempt to make that face, I googled "dread face" by the way. I include both pictures because I'm not sure if I fully captured the emotion. It's a hard face to fake! 

And so I like muted my music and just stood there for what was probably a noticeably weird amount of time, and then I left and my mom asked if I want to play cards and I was like, "Yah sure later" and then I come in here. And not another word was exchanged.

Haha!!! Anyway, I had a REASON why I left the room so hastily. It's because I was thinking a thought, and I wanted to expand the thought so ya'll could join me in thinking the thought. I love sharing thoughts with other thinkers. Anyway, let's carry on.

I was just wondering what goes into being "smart" and if it really comes down to brains or motivation. Because it's actually kind of an insult when kids in class are always like "Yeah but it's easy for YOU, you're SMART". Uhm actually you stupid fuck, do you know what it takes to be smart? It takes a shitload of EFFORT, which includes treating homework like basketball practice or what have you - it sucks but it's not really an option if you ever want to get better or prove yourself worthy in a game or go anywhere in life. Homework isn't a little pesky mosquito that you complete to get a 72 for a final grade, and if you honestly think that, then wow, why am I even trying to have an intelligent conversation with you, am I right? What's the point, because you obviously don't fucking get it.

What pisses me off the most are the kids I know are smart, they just refuse to apply themselves. Applying yourself isn't even all that hard just you just literally have to do it, it's as easy as that. Easy as taking a poop - you just get up and DO IT. And then you're done - boom. That was easy.

But then the line gets fuzzy and I ask myself, is there really any smart or dumb? Isn't it just drive or laziness? Like, do you think really everyone could be smart if they only had the confidence in themselves not to fail? Or does it come down to some brains also just being different from others, in a way that they get things others simply can't get. I suppose it's a combination of the two. BUT, and this is a BIG BUT(t?) it's not an excuse for all the lazies who refuse to pay attention in class or do homework and then complain after taking the test that there was "A bunch of shit on it that Mr/Ms.X didn't even teach, I swear" and "Oh well obviously Person X gets it, he/she's  smart"

Actually people, maybe Person X just has the self-awareness to realize that succeeding means applying.  Think about that next time you bitch.

I shtill wuv you though 

Don't fall through them don't fall through the stars

If you listened to             

you'd understand                    

GUys, I love when I'm having formatting issues like I'm having right now. It puts me right back in the good old days when I first started this ol' clusterfuck. And listening to bubbly music and rambling on incoherently whether you care or not - oh it's all just so fun. Here's what's playing now!!

Awkward that I chose that song (not that I chose it, because it came on my Pandora) but that I chose to mention it because of what I'm gonna talk about lol pbbbllttt.

It's just well....I don't really know how to put it in a way that won't make A LOT of people judge me but hey we don't give a fuck here right? Well we do but we pretend we don't. Anyway, does anyone here know what it feels like to have some kid be in love with you for like ummmmmm two years and when I say love I mean a deep and sincere confusion with obsession and infatuation? Because here's the thing. It's flattering okay, obviously. But a human being can only handle SO much um what's the word for it.... can only handle SO MUCH. So if I sound like a bitch because I have to walk down the uncomfortable reality lane, so be it. I suppose it's my duty.

Here's the brutal truth: it's nothing but a high school crush. Please, for the love of well I shouldn't say all things holy because you are vehemently atheist (By the way do you know that I'm Jewish and am only agnostic? I find asshole atheists kind of asshole-ish if I don't know them enough and hey guess what - I don't know you enough). Anyway, please, for the love of....all things....artistic, or some shit, please don't confuse this with love. I'm not your "love" and you aren't "in love" with me and leave me (AND EVERYBODY ELSE) the FUCK alone with it already, you know what I mean?

I'm sick of girls randomly asking me in school if I like/am with anyone as if we're all in sixth grade again or something and when I say no they're all "oh...." and then they bring YOU up. "Oh he just really likes you is all............." "Oh he just asked about you the other day is all........" "Oh he just thinks he's in love with you is all..........."

Here's the thing. I'm being a bitch on purpose because you need to realize that I'm not this idealistic bubble cartoon version thing you have concocted and convinced yourself is real. I am a bitch and I enjoyed your company as a friend but how long do you honestly expect me to put up with you practically shitting your pants every time you talk to me or asking every one of my fucking friends about me or what you can do to get me to love you or whatever it is that you ask/say. I'm so tired of it!!!

I'm tired of it FOR YOU. You don't deserve to be um lusting over me for so long and so desperately when there is an ocean of reciprocated love out there that you can be receiving. (For the off-topic record, I'm having a ridiculous amount of trouble with my "ie" and "ei" spellings tonight, the red squiggly lines are all over the place! But I fix them because I'm tidy. Anyway) I'm serious. I love you and care about you enough (AS A FRIEND DUDE, AS A FUCKING FRIEND) that I'm okay with you hating me if it means you can go out there and find another girl to love and be happy with. Because you deserve someone, you really do. You're a radical dude and I wouldn't just say that (if you sucked that much, I wouldn't hesitate to say it). I get frustrated about this because it infringes on both our freedoms. Also, I'm tired of hearing about it. Also, no is no is no is no is no is no is no, okay? No. No. No. 

Pretend there's an "s" in front of the "he's" to make it, you know, "she's".

Nothing personal man. Like, I'd prefer if you didn't hate me, but I understand that I can't have the best of both worlds and if you have to hate me for a while that's okay. But for real, if you're doing so much for a girl who doesn't have the slightest interest in you, imagine what you could do for a girl who wants to love you too? Just try to view it objectively, if you can AT ALL. If not, we wouldn't get along real well anyway because I'm pretty objective when it comes to things.

Of course, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to disregard this and have a lovely day!!

p.s. no hard feelings. ever. in all meanings of the phrase. lol, i made a funny, see? It's okay, right? It'll be okay.

When some people say,

I think to myself, wellllll I don't know if you're so sure about that. Honestly the way I think about it is if you define yourself as "single" then that obviously means you are certain that at some point you will be not single again. That means until that moment comes, you're waiting for it. I mean yah you're single in terms of your taxes you know with your 1040 EZs and all the bullshitty bullshit that you have to fill out BEFORE you fill out the FAFSA even though MOST OF THE FAFSA STUFF SHOULD BE DONE BY FEBRUARY FIRST BUT YOU DON'T EVEN GET W-2'S TIL FEBRUARY AND BLAH BLAH BLAH WHY  AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING SOOOOO STUPID?!?!? SOOOOO stupid it's like the stupidest thing ever!! Well it's because I want to learn okay SO SUE ME. Lol anyway, what was I saying? Let me remind myself.

Oh, right. So yeah you're single in terms of not ya know being MARRIED and what not and in terms of a relationship you are also single but why do you have to define your SELF as single. Because you're not single. There are so many other people in your life there should be no way anyone can ever define themselves as single, and if they feel that way, there are other ways to go about fixing such a feeling.

RIGHT???? RIGHT??? I FEEL LIKE I'M REALLY RIGHT ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID.

A treat for myself, because I feel like creamsicles are soooo scrumpdiddly UMPTIOUS. Yum yum yum but who ever eats them in the middle of January you know? No one thinks of creamsicles at a time when the wind is howling at several degrees below freezing. But they're delicious all the time you guys, and it's important to remember that. And I'm not even being paid to say this. And I hope by saying I'm not being paid, it doesn't sound like I'm being paid, cuz I'm not being paid, but I'd totally take payment if creamsicle is interested in working something out. Anyway, about popsicles.

Elizabeth and I decided to get popsicles after geting brunch at Becky's Diner because you know, we do things like that. So we go to Radley's and let me inform you that their selection was sub-par at best and atrocious at worst. They had one dented cardboard box of "Real Fruit Bars" whose name Elizabeth pointed out contradicted itself. I mean, there were a couple other popsicle selections, but they were pretty much all equally pathetic.

Anyway, I'd just like to say, step it up grocery stores in New England in January. You should be stocking for every single silly customer's whim. That means creamsicles RIGHT NOW AT MY FINGERTIPS. 

p.s. I just realized that if anyone reading this knows anything about freud, lol. fucking lol.

Hey so remember that time I said I found myself and stuff?

Well part of that had to do with the realization that this is MY blog and as MY blog I can say WHAAAATEVVVVERRRR THEEEE FUCKCKKKKKKKKKKK IIIII WANNNTTT!!!!! And that's extremely empowering and the fact that people will CONTINUE to read it despite my saying WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT is why I'm going to continue with what I'm about to say. But do you understand why I get to say what I want to say? It's because this is something you can't read unless you want to, and no one has to read this if they don't want to. If you find me offensive or annoying or boring you can just go do whatever it is that could possibly be more entertaining than me, probably putting mayonaise on doorknobs or something.

Anyway. on to my point.

I'm sure you're probably all curious about this boy it is that I met this summer. You either know partial, full, minimul, or zero information on the story, and that's the same amount of information you're going to have at the end of this. But I'm just gonna write a little bit and pretend I'm writing a letter to him. Why? Because of what I just said. It's powerful fucking shit and it's been coagulating in my brain since the end of the summer and yeah, I could write it in a diary or save it on my computer, or I could publish it to my BLOG that people read by CHOICE because I have a feeling it's going to be worth it's weight in blue whales. Like if every word were a blue whale, it would be worth its weight. So yeah, boom here we go into the deep depths of Becca's brain....

Um okay well we're actually not going all that deep at all haha all I have to say is one thing and it is that I'm a little bit insulted that you had the nerve to look at me and tell me that you felt a "special connection" and were "especially drawn" to me. Like nothing personally against you at all as a person either, but actually yeah I guess it is against you as a person, because you knew you were the first guy I had ever been with so you obviously know I'm going to be naive, and you're gonna sit there and tell me all this shit about how special I am and how much I changed your life and how much I mean to you, and then you lose your job and leave Maine and a month later you are with ...do I say it? Yeah, I do, because it's MY BLOG and it's FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH also known as SAYING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO SAY AND SO THEY WRITE IT BEHIND THE CLOAK THAT IS INTERNET: TRASH SHE IS A PIECE OF TRASH. I guess I'm comfortable with the fact that I don't give a shit if she has any redeeming qualities, because if so many people are so instantly repulsed with all the terrible aspects of her personality, I'm going to safely assume (assuming makes an ass out of you and me...) that the bright sides aren't all that bright.

But like here's the thing....I get that there's a chance that you're happy with her and like whatever, good for you, but if you really meant an ounce of anything you ever said, you wouldn't pick up such a plurp from the cracks on the sidewalk and make love to it. And yeah blah blah blah "you meant them when you said them" but I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't fuck around with me like that.

p.s. I do still want to be friends though. It's just a fuck you that I really think had to be said, and it's all forgiven now, it just had to get out.

Wow. Wow I said it. That has been on my chest for a while and I will end it by saying yes, I genuinely am sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings but at this point, I can't concern myself with that anymore. Haha so take it or leave it.

There is a NEW EPISODE OF CHOPPED ON AT THIS EXACT SECOND

and I am DECLINING THE "watch me!" WAVES EMITTING FROM THE TV TO POST IN HERE RIGHT NOW. So take a second as you read and feel the warm flush of my words through your veins and appreciate it okay? Okay. Especially if you are a freshman girl or happen to do the thing I'm about to complain about right now (which is something the freshmen chicas at my school are heinous offenders of).

I'm talking

These piece of shits! From forevskies XXI.

Now, I have had enough of this nonsense and I am not kidding you; today there was a basketball game so all the girls on the basketball team dressed up and every single freshman who did so wore a bandage skirt, obviously, what else was I going to say, overalls?

It's like yes girls good job girls yes you have RUMPS if you stretch fabric over your backsides like it's saran wrap on cold meat. And no, that's not even the worst part. It's not the silliness of how it looks even, or how miserably annoying it is that they all wear the same thing and love the shit out of it. It's the fact that today was January 3rd, and about a week ago Maine was like "Hiiiii I'm gonna get cold like RIGHT now!"

So it has been frickity frickity freezing for the past...who even cares, because it was INSANELY freezing this morning. What kind of dumbass could possibly walk out of their house this morning and find it morally acceptable and responsible to let  most of their legs go uncovered. It's like, I am freezing if I am wearing short-ish pants that show like half an inch of ankle!! I put my winter coat on today at lunch, even though I was already wearing A SWEATER. THAT IS HOW COLD IT IS OKAY? DO YOU GET ME? ARE YOU ON MY LEVEL RIGHT NOW?

AAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!

That is QUITE enough if I do say so myself and I do, because I just said it. I totally say so myself. Oh and I just remembered after all of that, it was actually sophomore girls I was thinking of. I just forget that they're not freshmen anymore. Probably everyone does it too honestly. Is it really that much to ask girls my age to manage enough brain cells to put together a non-deadly ensemble in the morning? Seriously, what if there was a firedrill you useless driveling spaghetti clumps? You probably would have died. And um, someone probably would have applauded.

Hahaha oh my gosh that was so harsh. I like being harsh though because eh, it's fun. 

Anyway, if there's anyone who actually looks forward to my music suggestions rather than ignoring/hating them all, I cannot stress enough how valuable a Helen by Nizlopi station on Pandora is. Just check it out homies and homettes, if you're up for the challenge. I will even challenge you three skips before you come across something so immediately appealing that you can't next it. Well, toodle-loo and off to watch chopped because let's be honest, it's the last two rounds that are the best anyway.

P.S. Happy almost 4,000 Views YEeeeeehawwwwwww bungaroos!!! Yeeeeehawwww!!!!

p.s. I thought this was funny so I thought I'd share with you...I had to double check to make sure rump was a synonym for butt because sometimes I randomly decide to replace words that are not good replacements. Oops!! Teehee anyway bye :~)