First of all, I have rice in my computer

Don't believe me? Hit it and you'll hear it fall through the insides...but I'm not going to tell you how it happened or why it happened, I'm just telling you that it did.


And you know what song is playing?!?!?! It's only the greatest song ever since...well, I feel like I've abused these words so much that they hardly hold any power anymore. So I'll just say....it's a bitching song.

Oh and I have a story for you all. You see, if you're in my physics class (or any class with me, pretty much) you know what happened to my green nalgene bottle and why I've had to revert back to my old stinky blue one (that yes - has a rubber band around the middle of it. why does that bother everyone so much??). Okay and if you're not, I'm going to direct you to the letter I wrote Nalgene, which will explain in and of itself why I wrote the letter, obviously.

Here it is, verby verbatim folks.

Dear Nalgene

An interesting event occurred concerning my new Nalgene in my physics class recently. You see, we were studying objects in freefall by dropping baseballs out of our two-story window to the ground below. Well, as luck would have it, one of my classmates decided to study the effects of gravity on my recently purchased Nalgene bottle! It landed on the grass and handled the impact well, but it was brought back up and thrown at a cement square, and did not handle that impact well. In fact, my beloved Nalgene SHATTERED, and my cold fresh water was splattered everywhere but my mouth, which is exactly where it belonged!!

            I’ve been told Nalgenes are supposed to be indestructible. However, even indestructible items have a limit. As a loyal and returning customer, I’d love to be reimbursed with a new bottle, because nothing can contain my liquids quite as well as your product can! However, in this tough economy, I understand if that’s an impossibility, and will be glad to purchase a new one if my request is too much to ask.

Love your favorite customer,

            Rebecca 

P.S. May I request the translucent 32 oz wide mouth in key lime? I hope I may, because I just did.

It's just a harmless, well thought out, honest appeal for a ten dollar plastic water bottle for free. And I specified what I wanted because I was trying to be helpful, because the person who had to grant my request was going to obviously wonder what color I would choose!

Anyway, here's their response that I got today


Sidetrack in the blue here - skip over to the black if you don't want to read this right now but you obviously want to cuz sidetracks are the fucking BOMB. Anyway, I'd like to say that one of the most disheartening things one can experience is the feeling of stepping on a pair of comfy pants on the floor and hearing a snap because then you just think "Oh no what did I break" and let me tell you, the solution in times like that is to worry about it later. Cuz eh, if it was on the floor it couldn't have been that important right? Hopefully.




Good day Rebecca,
I am very sorry to hear about your bottle. We will however not be replacing it. We replace bottles if broken under normal conditions yours was not.

While the polycarbonate bottles were much more durable than everyday tritan. The new tritan bottles are not indestructible. The urban myth of our bottles being indestructible when throw from two story windows on to cement is not a fact which your classmates proved.
We are very thankful you loyal customer.




.........



I repeat - that rendition is typo proof, meaning any errors are not errors I made but errors that were in the letter.

Okay so two things. First things first - FUCK YOU BEN!!!

hey waitaminute who's that.

(Just so you know I had a choice of three different fantastic pictures like this to choose from, from three separate days. I'm variable like that)

Anyway, not really though, but kind of really, but it's also a fuck you to everyone else who was like "JUST WRITE IN TO THEM AND THEY WILL SEND YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BECAUSE NALGENES ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE"

Come on guys. Nalgene never claimed its product could be hurled from two stories onto cement (there goes the rice in my computer...cuz I just moved around...haha)

Whatever. I was going to bitch about the pathetic disregard to the English language (more on that in a moment) but then I read that Irene signed from "Customer Service" and so I feel bad because it's like, okay customer service probably has to deal with bullshit all day so a little disregard to the fine points of the language is okay I guess, because I was originally under the impression that someone important from the company had actually responded like that. Which was pretty stupid, in hindsight. 

Anyway, just a few more comments to address. This is fun you guys!! I'm not responding to all the comments by the way, only the ones that warrant a response. Alrighty roo scooby dooby doo, here we go.

1: "As the author of the insest comment, I just wanted to say that "captcha" isn't my way of spelling "caption", it's an actual word! See: "A CAPTCHA or Captcha is a type of challenge-response test used in computing to ensure that the response is not generated by a computer." I promise I'm not illiterate!"

~Anonymous

Dude I had no idea and stand corrected. Now I'm gonna use that word a lot....

2: "Shouldn't I just automatically get accepted to college for using "acquiesce" in what I will be severely humbled if what was not a severely well executed manner". Sorry I'm a jackass, but I read that immediately after reading the metaphor about how super smart you are (Coincidentally, how weird would it be if I used the word you're instead of you are right there) and your ability to "shred" people who can't grammar/spell correctly, and because I am prone to wracking spasms of jackassitude, I just had to point out the above sentence. -Adam

Well first of all, let's everybody back up here and remember who is the one who came up with an awesome metaphor about rats and being smart and boots that kick rats that are wet...that was me. And such a delicate croissant of a sentence cannot be imagined without being as brilliant as me. So let's get that straight.

Alright and furthermore, when I come up with big ol' sentences like the one you quoted or other complicated blobs you can find sprinkled throughout some of the posts, I spend a lot of time on them trying to figure out if they make sense or not. About 50% of the time I'll delete something because I'm just like "Alright, pretty sure that makes no sense at all" and 50% of the time I'm like "Fuck it if it makes sense it makes sense if it doesn't the joke is on the reader"

So...I guess that one made it through the cracks but at the same time, I still feel pretty confident that it makes sense (unless you're talking about forgetting "in" before "to")

Unless...unless you quoted that sentence not because it doesn't make sense but because I didn't use acquiesce correctly? In that case, I still feel decently confident that I did that right too!!

But like I said, I'll be severely humbled if I didn't.

p.s. this is a long ass post, thanks for sticking through if you made it. that pie is for you, but realize that if it was real I would totally eat it and not share with you. but still, you can enjoy the picture.