OH MY GOD CAN I JUST TELL YOU WHAT JUST HAPPENED

No fucking wonder this blog is titled Clusterfuck!!!!

So I'm outside enjoying this BEAUTIFUL FRIDAY AFTERNOON IN THE FALL with some ya know, herbal assistance. And today my particular way of ingesting my herbal assistance involved filling a water bottle with water then letting the water drain out while it's replaced with you know...herby goodness.

Alright, furthermore, the water I'm using today is....oh my god, I'll take a picture of it!!! LET ME JUST SHOW YOU.

Yes you are correctly identifying that as the POTENTLY FOREBODINGLY GREEN tint of my pool. So that goes inside the water bottle, right?

Alright, there I am on my merry way, watching the water drain out of the bottle (It's obviously clear looking in the bottle but...still let's be real...ew) when I hear the screen door open. Someone is coming outside RIGHT NOW and the bottle is half full of smoke, half full of water. This is a heinously shitty situation.

What do I do? In my haste and confusion I swing the still draining bottle a 180 degrees, which happens to make a fantastic arc over my laptop AND herbs AND phone and then I realized I didn't want to waste that shit so I went ahead and well, didn't waste it.

So then my dad comes outside and is like "Bye Rebe I'm going to the marsh" and he's already ready to go when I turn around so I'm not facing him, blow some smoke out and say, "Oh, really?", not knowing that he was going to actually come back and respond to that.

So I had to turn back around to face him AGAIN with, mind you, still more smoke inside of my mouth, and he's like "Yeah someone stole a decoy or something" and bla bla bla, other stuff that was typical Papa stuff and all I could think was "HAHAHAHA THIS ISN'T HAPPENING NOW WHAT GO AWAY" with the occasional

Okay? Oh and I forgot to tell you that back when I decided not to waste anything, that involved a powerful act of inhalation which I didn't realize, forgetting that the bottle was still half full of water, would mean a fantastic mouthful of ALGAE VENOM GREEN POOL WATER. Soooooooooo after all of that, I am here now. And what am I thinking?

I'm so glad that happened!!! Hahaha! I mean what a hilarious tale! And what an epitome of this entire BLOG. 

Oh and also through this entire time, my pandora has been playing some really awesome songs - that's the other thing!!! Shadow of the Day was playing by LINKIN PARK (I never knew that song was by them but I always liked it whenever I heard it) and so that added a gallon of drama to the situation as well.

Alas - my time has come for me to depart! Mostly because this is realllllly uncomfortable sitting like this.....criss cross applesauce with a laptop on your lap shouldn't even be legal. Well .... whoa....I was apparently looking at the song shadow of the day for too long on pandora, because now it's playing again! Haha it's time to go....farewell!

Okay AP bio students, answer me this!!

Someone is dancing to music looking out the window when they want to see if it is still raining lightly. Easy enough to use their ears for, if they weren't ALREADY OCCUPIED WITH MUSIC!

So, what are their options? Well, it's hard to see out the window screen if there are any raindrops falling and there are no nearby bodies of water to check. There's a pool, but that's at the other window and who wants to walk to the opposite side of a not very large room? Answer: not this person.

So, what can be done?!?!?! Eh??? Got an idea????

Look at the leaves of the trees, mayne!!!!

Well....I was really proud of myself for figuring out that one on my own. 

Oh and I have another treasure for everyone. Read this treasure of a sentence I found on facebook

" As seniors we need to be unique, ordinary, and we need to stand out! "

Haha so no big deal...it just seems someone doesn't understand that that particular trio of words is a really shitty trio of words, for lack of a better way to put it. So that made me giggle to myself and stuff because it's like "Yes!! Wear white on "All Black Day" for Spirit week because we're....seniors. So like, should we wear superman suits on classic Blue & White day? The point of being a senior during spirit week is to go the hardest at dressing up according to the THEME, not AGAINST it. 

But in your defense, at least you're going to figure out a way to go about it uniquely and ordinarily while still standing out at the same time...that's pretty impressive on your part so yeah, wear white.

I will be an evil witch so excusez-moi. 

Ps dudes and dudettes my pandora is playing Matisyahu and it's ROSH HASHANAH and this is the FIRST TIME I've heard him on any of my pandora stations....I think that means something like...good, maybe.

I love me some fucking Matis. There's apparently a version with Akon in it...I'm going to go listen the life out of that.

Anyway, I wish everyone a sweet new year!!!!

Okay so I've just had an epiphany

to end all epiphanies. But lemme finish my song first. You'll understand - it was Eventually, by Zox.

What's that, you say? What's that song?

Why it's only the most beautiful song ever written, sang, heard, played ever. Anyway, that's besides the point. I've epiphanied that I am, in fact, a vampiress.

Yeah, we're not messing with the sexy bullshit vampires today. We're going straight for the deadly dead ones. 

Why am I so sure of myself?? Well everyone always tells me my fingers are so cold and that was just this summer...now I feel how cold my fingers feel and they burn to touch my belly because they're so freezing!!!

Sidenote: I'm eating Apricot Mango yogurt and it tastes surprisingly potently mango and apricot and my suspicion is that there is little to no actual mango or apricot in it and...that's a little unnerving.

Now the taste is revolting. GET IT OUT OF THE MOUTH, my tongue screams.

No, my tummy grumbles back. ME WANT FOOD!!!

Hahahaha imagine if I wrote a play about my digestive system!! Oh would the end be a riot AND A HALF!!!  

A LOG AND A HALF IS MORE LIKE IT, my anal sphincter chuckles. 

See what I mean?? Man I could publish that. Ugh I thought I almost finished my yogurt and to my horror I just looked in and saw the cup is still HALF FULL. I can't just eat a half a cup of yogurt because that would be minus 10 points on being a human being, you know what I mean? Only scumbags don't finish a full little container of yogurt. Anyway I might be a scumbag today in that case.

So much to say

and so much room to fucking say it! So I'm gonna let it all out.

And let me just begin by telling a story about a seed.  A seed that remained a seed for a very long time, until some very persistent rain started to drop one day. Well, the seed was buried beneath mounds of dirt and was quite effortlessly able to divert all the water so it wouldn't have to grow. Not that it didn't want to grow ever, but it just didn't need to grow yet, so why bother? But the rain kept coming, and there was only so much dirt to soak it all up. Before it knew what was what, the seed felt itself getting damp.

Okay, fine, it was going to have to soak up a little water, but it's not like it would need to sprout. The seed was  going to prevent itself from sprouting. It reasoned with itself, "I've seen grown trees cut down in my backyard. It was even for a happy occasion - we were getting a pool! - but I still couldn't bear to watch the trees be cut down. They were so old - so strong, so sturdy, so sure, but none of that kept them standing. I can't even bear to watch grown trees be cut down - how can I let myself, my weak younger self, be susceptible to that? Might as well not grow."

Well, the seed fucked up.

Hard.

So hard, in fact, that the little seed fucking blossomed. 

And then the rain stopped coming. And the flower thought to itself, terrified, "Wha-wha-wha? What's the meaning of this! I was perfectly content in my own little see-pod, and you had to burrow your rain drops beneath my exterior when I tried my best not to let you? I know how to survive as a seed without the rain, but I have no idea how to do it as a flower. Why did you disrupt?"

And then the flower was eaten by a moose, and the moose got hit by a semi the next day, but not before giving birth to triplets, who all survived, and one was albino, and that third albino moose looks like it has some sort of...some sort of adaptation on...oh my god...no ... IT CANNOT BE!!!!!

.....but it is.....

So??? So what does that tell you????

And just in case anyone is curious to hear my newest torture idea...it involves spreading some rather succulent bee's nectar (do you catch that? tell me you caught that) upon the offendant's asshole with a rusty spoon and letting a wolverine lick it off. Umm....yeah.....                   

What is it girls think when they like these truth is and "like, dislike" statuses

I know I kinda sorta have elaborated on this before by doing the whole poll (which only four people voted on?!? FOUR?!? I have to admit...y'all do suck sometimes, despite how much I declare my love for you. Seriously four fucking votes?) but no seriously. What are they thinking?

"Ooh, I wonder if she thinks I'm pretty!!! Like!!"

Result: "You are so pretty + pbblllfffft fffbbblptttt plbbbbtttttt" because it's all just diarrhea anyway. Wow did I really just spell that right on my first try? That is the first time I've ever spelled diarrhea right on my first try!!!! I usually just stumble my way across the r,h,e and a at the end...who knew there was a correct order!!! Wow awesome!!!

Oh okay and furthermore people!!! Lo and behold!!!

   

Didnt realize that I had a theme going till the first two and I was like "Oh hmm body parts let's throw in an arm" but originally my idea was a lime green sock (Cuz I have those on right now.)

Then I think to myself that eyeballs are pretty cool, so I search eyeballs but I get offended because NONE OF THE RESULTS ARE BROWN, THEY'RE ALL BLUE (I seriously think I'm going to create some kind of committee about this...there is a lot of prejudice about brown eyed people out there) so I had to search for BROWN eyeballs. And um yeah then the severed arm....

Anyway, I'm way off topic because DO YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE??? I UPLOADED THREE PICTURES VERY QUICKLY YES I DID! Well we all know you can't tell how quick that was (we've been over this only several thousand times) but well hopefully you figured out that that means I GOT MY COMPUTER BACK!!!! 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TRICK YAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never will I ever take portable, limitless access to music for granted ever again.

Do you realize

that, at least if you're in school, you are shoved in the face with a serious end/beginning point EVERY FOUR FUCKING MONTHS. I'm feeling it now with the realization that school is really back, back until May (That's 9 months...that's a pregnancy's worth of months.) and that means summer is really over.

We'll be feeling it again come Winter Vacation, as we look back at already a semester's worth of school and we realize 2011 is already over and it's already time for 2012. Already.

All ready?!? Because it happens again in June, when you look back at your entire year and try to figure out how it's mathematically possible that it's already time for summer when you feel like you started just yesterday but at the same time it has taken so LONG to arrive. I feel like these are all really sentimental moments deep inside everyone's brain when we encounter them, but you know what?

Realizing that should help make you go "Oh, that's completely unnecessary" and we'll stop getting so overly sentimental! There's no reason to feel the feeling of time spent too quickly and missed oppurtunities three times every YEAR. Why bothah!!

My point is, ladies and gentlemen, that you should all be giving me a round of applause for saving you from these burdensome feelings! Seriously though you need to clap your hands a few times for me and if you're alone, do it LOUD. If you're not alone...for example, out in public, or in a library, where clapping to yourself would be frowned upon and scowled at? Do it LOUDER.

I'd honestly upload a picture of hands clapping right now but yeah I have an appointment for my laptop tomorrow...meaning I'm still on the computer from the Late Cretaceous Period, and it's having an especially slow day today. But on a good note, I changed the speakers so I don't have to turn them on and off and on and off again repeatedly multiple times within a song to prevent static....!!!! So I can jam to youtube now and I'm pretty fucking excited about that.

Why don't I just use my i-pod you ask? Well that is in a unique conundrum seeing as it plays music but no longer displays anything but a solid white screen...so I can skip through songs on shuffle but have no control over what plays, and seeing as my laptop is on the kuputz, I haven't been able to add more songs to it because it's not compatible with  this compooper.

So that's the story of my life and everyone I know and love. Namely, me. Hahahahahaha!!!

Oh I love you all!!! Smell ya later!!

P.S. I never really left so this isn't really a legitimate P.S....anyway, I'd just like to say that I think it's incredibly irritating when people tell me that I'm skinny or thin...not that it bothers me or makes me self conscious but I'm telling you people, I'm not some abnormal example of a skinny person, or at least I wouldn't be if the world wasn't so FAT. 

In fact, I had an epiphany about it while watching Dazed and Confused with Carlotta a week ago. There was a busy hallway scene in the school and there were kids everywhere and you know what I saw zero of? Fat people. 

And don't you dare take that to mean everyone was thin and beautiful - there were just no balls of dough rolling or stomping or squelching (Yah - squelching) their way down the crowded halls.

I guess my point is I find it sad that in our society, fit people are "skinny" and chunky dunky people are "normal" and only when you are a sphere of lard barreling your way down the hallway inhaling five cheeseburgers a minute are you "fat".

I mean that in the ...well I was about to lie and say nicest, but truly I mean it only in the nastiest way possible. Muah haha

p.p.s sorry this post has a white background I fucked up.