Okay listen up fuckaroos

Yes do you like that nickname? Haha I love this hot/cold relationship I have with you people. Anyway, several things to discuss.

FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, SO THAT I DON'T FORGET, HOW ON EARTH IS ONE TO BALANCE AN ICE PACK ON THEIR FEET BUT WITHOUT FLEXING THEIR FEET BECAUSE THE ICE PACK IS FOR A SORE TENDON? Stupid feet tendons! What do they even do anyway! It's not like we wouldn't be perfectly fine without them or anything!!! I'm going to rip all of my tendons out tomorrow and I think it's going to do me a world of good and I suggest you do the same.

Buggering extensor brevises

Okay I think I just figured out the trick is to put your foot against the desk at such an angle that the pack can rest on yar foot. Enough about feet though. They are pains in the ARSE and all they do is smell or look ugly or like, move you from A to B. But who wants to get to B? What's the point of going to B?

Anyway, I know I failed everyone by not having a 4/20 post....the thing is, I have legitimate excuses. Let me rattle them off uno by uno.

Uno: I just got back from camping that day, and I was deliriously tired

Uno: Despite that, I DID start on a post and got a couple paragraphs in before I fucking FACT CHECKED myself and realized what I was about to ramble on about was WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Such a thing is a startling thing to happen to such a person such as me, like such as and the iraq and, some people in our nation don't have maps - er sorry got a little off track there. But no it's a funny story. You see, I was going to go on about how awkward it is to be around someone who thinks they are teaching you and they tell you something that is WRONG and you are like "Oh hmm are you sure because I thought it was (blah blah blah)" and they go "nope, no, definitely absolutely it is (blah blah blah)" and they continue and you know they're wrong but you just have to like kind of deal with it? Well yeah see I was going to talk about that until I came home and looked up the thing I thought I was so right about and I was wrong about it. So OOPSIE DOOPSIE ON MY PART, WE'RE ALL HUMAN, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, DEAL WITH IT, CRY ME A RIVER, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, GOT THE TSHIRT, GREW OUT OF IT THEN DONATED IT TO THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WHO ARE BUILDING THE FUCKING BRIDGE YOU NEED TO GET OVER RIGHT NOW.

For the record, the fact I thought was wrong was not that Courage the Cowardly Dog is purple........although I am now less adamant than before that he is pink, I guess it is up to the eye of the beholder... but if you have even a quarter of a brain this pup is pink

Well I've been watching SVU and now I have to go decide between that and Ugly Americans which is my new favey fave show but this SVU is SO INTENSE do you see how many struggles I face in my daily life? Weh weh wehhh

HAPPY APRIL, UGLIES!!!!

Yeah this is dedicated to the uglies so if you're attractive just go ahead and stop reading right now. These words are not for your eyes.





Okay, so I'm assuming all the 6+'s just left the arena. So. You're an average and below. That must suck, huh? I mean, I wouldn't know as I'm one of the most stunning examples of a female human since Cleopatra herself (If you're wondering why Cleopatra, I counter, why not Cleofuckingpatra? She did it with Alexander THE GREAT! You go girl!! And yeah, I'm going so far to say as she's the one who did him but I totally digress)


Anyway, chin up butter faces and lumps of "acceptableness" and "just friends", look outside the window right now! Providing you live in very close proximity to me and also read this within the first few days it's posted, you are looking at a gloriously balmy spring morning. The sky is so clear you guys, it's like the kind of blue you color the sky with when you're in fourth grade it's so potent. And the sun is a swarovski crystal (because I'm not mainstream enough to say "diamond" like all you other sheeple) that I can't look at without being partially blinded. And the grass....it's the grassiest green you ever thought grass could be, honestly. Right out of a picture book. It's even dotted with exuberant dandelions, my FAVORITES because they always mean spring is here! Speaking of dandelions, you should go taste their milk sometime it's out of this world. I Promise you won't die!

And my deck is all "recently painted" and chestnutty brown and as for my pool, it's this strangely appealing opaque sea foam green color and it's because my dad is shocking it with like two gallons of chlorine a day to kill the shit out of the algae in there. Stupid algae. What's it doing in a SWIMMING pool anyway? It's not called an ALGAE pool for a reason, am I right folks?!?!?!

Thar's a picture for you visual folks. 

Anyway, figured I'd throw a bone to the loyals who still check up on me every once and a while. I never forget about you or my blog I just have lots of shit on my hands sometime and my brain power gets all sucked up doing stupid (and useless I really need to stress useless) nonsense like Physics and you know, pretty much everything else.

EVERYTHING IS USELESS!!

Just kidding, lots of things are useful actually. Like my bracelet making! Which I'm going to go do by the way, and by bracelet I mean necklace and by necklace I mean hemp, with charms from the beach like MUSSEL SHELLS AND A CRAB, YES A CRAB. Is that an advertisement? Yes. Buy this shit it's awesome. TTYL BYEEEE 

I'm aware of how terrible this picture is but in my defense I was trying to take it in the broad daylight with my computer so the screen is like completely invisible and it makes picture taking - at an ANGLE!!!! - result in prizes like this but whatever, deal with it. Buy my necklaces.

Please. If you'd like :-)

Okay so at this point it's starting to freak me out

I mean that the forecast says well, this:

That's a week from today. It's still March you guys. It's still the "OMG THE SUN OMG IT'S 49 DEGREES" month, and then all of a sudden it's all like nope actually we're gonna give you summer like ummmmmmmmm  NOW.

What IS GOING ON WITH MOTHER NATURE.

IT'S STARTING TO REALLY CONCERN ME, HENCE THE TITLE OF THE POST AND MY ABUSE OF CAPS LOCK. ABUSE. AFUCKINGBUSE.

Whatever. The point is, I'm really excited about the early warm weather, but I feel really guilty about it. Because I have that creeping feeling in my stomach that it's global warming and we've destroyed everything this quickly or maybe it was all destiny 2012 NUCLEAR CRISIS END OF THE WORLD PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION YEAR TORNADOES ARE HAPPENING THAT ARE BAD IN PLACES AND ALSO, SYRIA AND ALSO, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT THIS (PROBABLY NOT) BUT KONY IS UP TO SOME SHIT AAAAAAND Oh my, oh my! Bulletin!! Bulletin!!!

Aliens seem to have landed! They are infiltrating...oh wait no, I take that back, I don't mean aliens, I mean women, women are infiltrating everything. Wait no, only because they're not all stuck at home raising children anymore. Thanks to birth control. Let's continue making that an expense for them. No, wait. 

We need to go further. We need to attack the places that take care of that expense for women. Cuz you know. Stuff and stuff. 

So I guess...forgive me for being such a feminist. Honestly, it's just annoying when minorities demand equal treatment as white men. Like, can't they just shut up and play along and take a joke and take a drink and take off the coats and stay a while ;). You know, like they used to. Before political correctness and all that BOZO BUSINESS. 

I mean, don't you just hate it when minorities play their "whatever" card anytime they get upset? So unfounded right....I mean, if YOU were one of THEM you wouldn't be so pissy all the time. After all, we're all equal right?

That's what I thought too! Hm.

p.s. seriously is it global warming or MOTHER Nature GIVING US A GIANT FUCKING HINT. Hmmm....how subtle.....................

So I'm at the Purim Party

and as you may or may not have seen depending on whether we are facebook friends or not (there is probably like a 95% chance that we are and if you stumbled upon this blog via a media other than facebook, then congratulations! Or something.

Anyway, I said something about seeing my love at the Purim Party and I neglected to mention THERE WERE TWO.  Because one was this little bugger and now that I think about it I don't even know his name! But...well let me set the scene first.

For the uninitiated, Purim is an awesome Jewish holiday and there is a Purim party held every year by this awesome Jewish family that we know and it's usually held at Deering High School....but this year it was at this other place! So they have themes every year and this year it was Italian!!! So my mom dressed up as a village lady and my sister was the "mob wife" and anna was "the mob" and elizabeth was the venetian boat rower and I was the Italian flag by wearing green, white and red which Elizabeth pointed out were also Christmas colors...Lol!! Orthodox Jewish event!!

SO we sat down to hear the Megillah and these three little brothers (there may have been a fourth one, I'm not sure) ages 5-...9? I have no idea. Something around there. And they were the funniest little shits you wouldn't even believe how innocent they looked in their tuxedoed maffia outfits (fedoras included). And they were chatting us up the whooooole time and the little one with the felt cigar in his mouth just couldn't get enough of me and at the end (lol of like 1.5 hours) he was calling me his "broccoli" because I was wearing a green skirt. And he wanted to stand next to me at the end when we were watching the awesome - yet TOTALLY RANDOM AND COMPLETELY MISPLACED AT AN ORTHODOX JEWISH EVENT BUT LIKE IN A COMPLETELY POSITIVE WAY - skateboard/bike show thing. Anyway, I loved this little boy and he was the cutest little button I've ever seen but this is where I segue into duhn duhn duhn......

Becca's brain.....

Because this bike/skateboard show....

Had a biker.....

Who made 18 year old horizontal (WOWWWWW SO I HAD THIS POST UP FOR LIKE FOUR DAYS AND REREAD IT COUNTLESS TIMES BEFORE I REALIZED I SAID horizontal and MEANT HORMONAL god is that a freudian slip or fucking WHAT) and other word that also begins with h and o Becca go all "OMG"

But no I mean it when I say this dude was incredibly sexy in a small way and I never thought I'd find such small frames attractive and wow, am I shocking you with how deep we're going into my brain? Because I'm shocking myself, you don't belong here.

And yet....you're here....

Anyway, his name was Josh something aaaaaaaaaand heeeeeeeeee is a camp counselor at ramp camp at RYE Airfield aaaaaannnnnnd before we depart, let me just tell you a little tale of what the show was like.

There were two other kiddos (far less attractive therefore far less important but I guess that's mean so like yeah they accomplished things) who did tricks on a skateboard or Razor scooter type thingamajigger. This was accomplished in an open area by like 3.5, 4 foot tall ramps held up by a few beams and human support. So that may sound really sketchy or whatever especially when I tell you that Josh (it's not creepy that I know his name THEY SAID IT A MILLION TIMES) rides up these in a trick bike but...it was safe. However, he was doing extremely difficult moves for the amount of height he was able to achieve (a flip and a 180 or a 180 flip or something that involved flipping upside down and sticking it) aaaand he kept not landing them....

So then this lady who is sitting in front of me and who has kept looking at me whenever I cheer loudly for the performers starts talking to me.

She's all "I keep trying to tell him that the drinks are over there, he's been saying he's thirsty," referring to the little boy who calls me broccoli.

Immediately I think Uh no he's been saying broccoli I don't think he's useless and thirsty he is not a dumb shit and is fully capable of finding the refreshments himself why are you speaking to me as if I care about your existence right now But because I had to be so FUCKING POLITE I was like "Oh, is that what he's saying?"

Meanwhile, Elizabeth the Venetian Boat Rower is all "Did you see that?!"

And I'm all "See what?!"

No that's not what she saw but that's just to keep you guys going right now, because I'm staying up extra late to tell my story!

"He just landed it!" And everyone is freaking out and he landed the awesome stunt and I DIDN'T SEE IT BECAUSE of THE STUPID LADY THINKING A CHILD IS INCAPABLE AND SHE IS HIS SAVIOR.

Well I've had quite enough of that. It is the end of the week and I'm pooped!! You all have a lovely evening and if anyone knows this kid, you go ahead and talk me up because you and I both know I am cool, or as I've been recently informed, "Kool" because apparently COOL still means Constipated Overweighted Out-of-style Loser. Ciao!!

This post is about bullying and Rush Limbaugh.

Haha seriously though it is!! Little ol' me was just eating my typical dinner (try to contain yourself) of fettucinni alfredo and salmon hot dogs (because my family is like, what, burgers and fries? Nah fuck dat zhit) anyway, what was I going on about? Not several hot dogs like the little mini weiners. Normal, hotdog sized hotdogs but made out of salmon rather than pork intestine and teeth or whatever.

Wow, let's get back to the actual title of the post. Damn. Anyway, so I'm eating dinner and reading Time Magazine and yeah, obviously I have heard of these two buggers previously this week (well the first one not so much, but it's related to the Ohio school shooting that I did hear about and I will explain that later, the second one obviously in the form of the comments Rush LimUglybuttI'mStupidFacebaugh uttered on his radio broadcast) but this was the first time I was...actually....


Scratch that. I was going to say it was the first time I read about them side by side or whatever but then I realized I was talking about Rush Limbaugh with my dad cuz I had heard about it on the Daily Show last night so that's why that was on my mind and as for the bullying thing well....


First of all, if you're still with me here, you're such an angel. And a good follow-alonger as well.

Okay, it was an article about the school shooting and how a lot of people immediately jump to "BULLYING!!" as the root cause of any incident like that. How such a reaction spurs stringent legislation that requires like immediate responses to bullying issues yet doesn't set aside funds for said responses. How parents are quick to complain about what children say on their own childrens' wall, and how shocked they are when they're called back two weeks later over what their kid said in response. Or to provoke it initially.

And in my opinion, it comes down to this: don't raise your child to be A MOTHERFUCKING TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING PIECE OF SHIT. Haha I mean well we're all bullies and bullied at one point or another but you know there are those out there that are especially nasty and probably cause like 3 suicides minimum a year. Seriously though. 

Think about all the time and energy adults - parents - spend on bullying awareness and control and blah blah blah blah - did you know there are actual companies out there that sell services up to schools (at a minimum of for example $1,250) which include handbooks and like two faculty members are trained to deal with bullying and some other stupid stuff. But back to my point, what if these parents weren't so concerned about the BULLIES and maybe checked what their own kids were up to? Kids are little shits, let 'em be little squirts of fecal material. 

Oh and as for Ruuuuubypooopoooush LimbabaI'msovainIProbablyThinkthisNameisAboutMebaugh (Can you decipher that?! Golden tokens if you can!! Three of them for you!! THERE WILL BE A PRIZE IF YOU COLLECT TEN). Anyway, as for you Ruuuuubypooopoooush LimbabaI'msovainIProbablyThinkthisNameisAboutMebaugh, I think you....ew.

EVERYBODY KNOWS I GOT THE MAGIC IN ME

Not being fat headed (though we all know I literally have a very large head, in terms of volume and surface area and just general circumference, also tangent and derivative and MATH IS STUPID, IT'S SO STUPID. EVERYONE SHOULD STOP TRYING IN LIKE 8TH GRADE BECAUSE AFTER THAT IT IS SO USELESS.) Anyway, where was I?

Oh, this SONG!!!!!!!!!

 GAH!!!

Well, it's up to you if you want to bother with that or not. I mean, I guess you don't have to if you don't want to....that is, if you're not interested in hearing the most INDESCRIBABLY AMAZING SONG EVER then yeah I guess that would be the route to go.

Anyway, I'm here for two reasons.

First.

I was walking, and I'm wearing pajama pants, and my big toe caught on the bottom lip of my pants, and i almost totally fell on the floor, which I could just FEEL would have been a FACE ANNIHILATING  fiasco had I not caught my balance. Can't afford this face folks, can't afford it.

Jeez, thank goodness I'm rereading my shit tonight because I'm making so many typos it would confuse the reader if it weren't for me. Haha, funny. Anyway, picture time.

Okay, furthermore,


HAPPY 5,000 VIEWS MY LOVES!!!!!


I'M PRETTY SURE THE 5,000th WAS YESTERDAY, WHICH WAS MY BIRTHDAY, BTFUCKINGW.


Anyway, sorry this is going to have a stupid white background now. But don't let that dampen the moment. 5,000 views ladies and gentlemen, and it happened on my birthday, and I have EVERYONE to thank, but especially you! Love ya!!


^^Wow, no white background, everyone can thank my computer for being a scumbag and LYING TO ME. Not just to me, but to you all too.

Hi everyone, take a look at your surroundings

for a second because I'm about to tell you how inferior they are to mine. You see, I'm in the freest of free forms - NUDE - having a BATH with some "Village Naturals Therapy Mineral Bath Soak" shit or something dissolving its way through the lukewarm water. I win, right? I so doubt anyone else reading this is also taking a relaxing, chillaxing, wake and bake-axing morning.

The amount of fun to be had in baths, by the way, is beyond anything. They're just too much. Here's the funny part though. I'm on my laptop and like, wait a minute, that's not very safe is it?? Well it's not and get this - get what happened AN HOUR AGO.

I was coming downstairs, getting READY to prepare my bath okay? I'm holding my laptop and my glass of water and I've got the bath salts (But please, entirely different bath salts than the drug kind. Unless...they're one and the same? Anyway, I don't do bath salts.....or do I.....) in my robe pocket (I was wearing a fucking robe, as a fucking boss who's about to take a bath with "stress and tension" therapy bath salts SHOULD).

Not to be the ultimate hipster but seriously if you haven't heard this song, it's so capturing it's hindering my ability to think cuz it's so...just listen to it. If you don't like it, look into the nutrition of cyanide tablets.

Anyway, back to my story. So as I come down the stairs, my laptop bumps the bottom stair railing, and it makes a light "thud". And immediately Leila

(I was going to upload a picture of her but I don't have one because I'm that terrible of a person)

starts BARKING like a psychopath. (Okay Leila is a dog by the way, lol if you didn't know that) So I was started telling her to be quiet and she just started barking more and then my WATER SPILLED ON MY COMPUTER and I started FREAKING OUT and she started BARKING EVEN MORE. It was heinously chaotic and I ran upstairs where I knew I had my trust bowl of rice (I'm soooo unlucky when it comes to water and electronics, I've learned to stop trusting myself) and I dumped it on my computer and started hyperventilating.

Anyway, the moral of the story is a few things.

1) I'm way too careless with my water and my laptop

2) I....I always have rice near me though?

3) Oh and also, I don't learn from my mistakes. Because here I am, sitting in the bathtup, TYPING y'all the story of the time I nearly annihilated my computer via water damage...earlier this morning.

(I just accidentally googled bathrup and I don't know what that means and I'm glad I didn't start under images but um here is what I meant!!!)

Haha!! Anyway, the minerals have helped me release my stressful and tense morning so they are obviously SUCCESSFUL!!! I shall go CONQUER THE WORLD NOW. Or more accurately, READ MY BOOK AND EAT A BANANA IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

Why does she want to eat a banana, some of you may be asking yourselves. And the question I prompt you to ask is not that, but "Why am I not craving a banana? Holy kazaam is that something I should be eating every single day or WHAT!"

I would be eating an orange, but we're out of oranges, because they're so yummy. It's a sad life that I live, but I continue to live it, ya know, for you guys. Hehehehehe.

Aww it's like I don't want to leave!! Like when you see your friends that you haven't seen for a long time, or you're meeting for the first time, and NO ONE CAN SAY GOODBYE!! Well, we can all say it, BUT NO ONE CAN FOLLOW THROUGH. That is how I feel for my readers!!! Even when I go a week or two without blogging, it's only because I'm waiting for the perfect moment, like a hazardous bath at 11 am. Anyway, I'll go now, because....bye.