A post on GIRLS (and other things)

The girls will have to wait. The first thing I have to say is that I think a lot of people claim they "hate it" when people ask them who they're texting, so they never do it to others. BULLSHIT!!!! EVERYONE fucking ALWAYS asks everyone who they're texting. Lesson to be learned children: if you go around saying you hate when people do a certain thing, you should probably not run around doing that certain thing to others. Because that makes you suck A LOT.

Alright moving on. To girls. Because I did that one post on boys a long time ago and let's be honest, everyone knows a rant on girls is going to be loads more interesting, so whoever voted for boys on that poll is hereby knighted a dumbass.

So here's my message to girls: stop saying you hate girls. You don't hate girls. YOU'RE a girl. There are millions of funny, charming, intelligent, fierce, beautiful girls out there. They're just massively outnumbered by all the PABs. (Pugly [and Pugly is in itself a combination of pug-faced and ugly] Ass Biddies, for those who don't know)

By sharing your "I hate girls" logic with others, you're only perpetuating the problem. Girls have created this competition amongst themselves to promote themselves as much as they can while simultaneously lowering the status of other girls. It's all about attention. Think about it. Everyone hates that ugly loud dumb slut (ULDS?) who every guy can't seem to get enough of. Where do we go from here? We quietly (or maybe loudly, if you're obnoxious) declare our hatred for the girl. Everyone knows and/or is a girl like this. Their presence is so loud that it actually seems like there are way more than actually exist.

Girls don't say they hate girls when they're 9 years old. Girls don't hate girls when they're 12. It begins to get strong at about 16 years old and just gets stronger. What changes? Guys enter the equation, and when you put guys in the equation, SOME (read: not all) girls turn into attention seeking whores. It's nature's way of perpetuating the species. When this new breed of girls enters the mix, the old breed is like "Oh my God no", retracting any and all willingness (eventually) to bother to get to know girls, cuz they're just "all the same".

Just a pretty picture to lighten the mood.

Here's the idea: stop promoting competition by declaring a hatred of girls. Embrace how strong and powerful a true woman is and erase the idea of these fake attempts at one. Understand the concept that yeah, some girls do suck a FUCKING LOT, but so do some guys too. So start speaking the truth and say you hate people, because we all know that 65% of the rest of the world sucks, but that 35%ish other part deserves to hear you say positive things, not "Wehh I hate girls wehh"

See ya latah gatahs


---P.S. I like when girls angle their pictures so that it looks like their boobs are going to eat their throat. That's really nice ladies.

Just a little somethin REAL QUICK.

I never realized how spectacular remotes are with power buttons on the bottom. Cuz then you can just grab it and hit "on".

And Carly just ruined the flow by running up the stairs behind me and going "You Clusterfucking?"

Everyone who loves me - comment on this post saying "CARLY YOU SUCK!"

Several announcements to make - please gather a snack now.

Well why not start with a little anecdote just for old time's sake? I heard my dad coming up the stairs just now and I panicked a little - after all we've been caught twice since the cat's been out of the bag (Have no idea what I'm talking about?! We're so far behind! Don't worry we'll catch up). Sooooo then I went to pause the music but the music was on my computer and I hit play on my ipod, which starts playing full blast, so then I mute my computer and then I just went back and forth between those two for a while before I figured out what the FUCK I was doing.

Anyway, glad to see I can still write 2 (3?) weeks out of school but I still get just as easily distracted by music (Starry Eyed Surprise by Shifty?! Who knew!!)

Okay....so...here's what's been up.

The "cat" or should i say, catnip, has been let out of the "bag" and my parents are both aware of the Wittman Daughter Shenanigans (Or WDS) aaaaaaand the consequences - somewhere between zero and negative zero.

Glad I can still do math too!!!

Okay and anyway since the secret's been out, we've been caught um two separate times? By my dad, at least. I don't even care getting into explaining it because the gist of it now is that both my parents are aware, and they know I'm not gonna stop, and they're cool with it. 

Wait no actually back up. The gist of it now is that it's okay to be high, but it's NOT okay to smoke. In my house. At anyone's house. Anywhere. So I....don't. Obviously.......

Hahhhhhhh I am so full of good laughs today. Anyway there is more news!

First of all (well second if you count the story but I don't count it, so it's still first. Keep up.) I'm still alive. You know, for those of you who only saw me in school or for those of you who don't know me personally or ever see me. How would you people know I'm still alive if it weren't for this blog?! So, I continue it for you.

B of all (heh), we reached 2,000 views ladies and gentlemen!!! Reached and surpassed, if you don't mind my saying. Sorry I didn't do a post right when it happened, but what better day to celebrate than THE FOURTH OF JULY.

OH WAIT IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY?

YOU MEAN SUMMERTIME YOU MEAN LIKE ALL THAT STUFF YOU TALKED ABOUT IN THIS VERY BLOG JUST A FEW POSTS AGO?

WAIT REALLY?

If any of those thoughts crossed your mind, settle down. ACTUALLY DON'T SETTLE DOWN. IT'S OUR NATION'S BIRTHDAY AND SCHOOL'S BEEN OUT FOR WEEKS AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE FOR MANY MORE!!!!!

In the words of one of last night's Pirate's Cove customers, "HOOOORAH!!"

Anyway, news number three. I like announcing comments to my readers for several reasons. 

1.] they make me soooooo excited I just want to share

2.] Mentioning them encourages you buggers...hopefully.

3] You'd probably all miss them all without my philanthropy

This is the comment I'm preparing you all for:

HAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! YESSS!!!!! I was a bit worried about that post (if you don't know what I'm talking about then you shouldn't even be reading this parentheses until you finish that post, titled "I almost just had an oopsie...") because you know, I'm a bit vicious in it. So THANK YOU for rooting for me, Anonymous! *Free game at Pirate's Cove for you!!!

Well, that's all folks. Summer time is a time for relaxing with people I like outside, so I don't really feel the need to vent about people I hate on the computer. That's for the school year. Not that I'm taking a break - Becca doesn't take breaks from NUTHIN'. But I'm just giving you guys a heads up.

Okay, enjoy your Independence Day little buggers! Smile at a stranger today!

*Free Game not guaranteed

Turning the sprinkler on made me think

of The Poisonwood Bible, of the girls who describe what it's like to be cut off from civilization in Africa, of the millions of people out there who won't have a glass of water today, but here I am in my bathing suit, paying money for water for MY LAWN.

I mean, to be fair, the water isn't just for my lawn it's because it's really hot and I want to run through it. But then I think how disgusting it is that I have enough water to run through while so many others don't have enough to sip.

But then I realized that humans have been manipulating water for ages. With bridges and dams and hoovers and canals we've disrupted the flow of the Earth. And why are humans the only species who deserve water? Why should I feel bad about giving a little extra to the organisms on my lawn?

Not that the plight of droughting and starving lands isn't heart-wrenching and disrupting, and not that American lifestyles aren't, for the most part, disgustingly gluttenous, but I don't think I should feel bad about letting my sprinkler run. Ask around, and you'll probably find it sort of hard to gather that response from others who have recently read The Poisonwood Bible.

But I don't think the most important lesson from that book is the plight of Africa - it's the resilience of Africa.

Life goes on, and it will even when the last human dies, even after the end of the world.

Think about that for a second. All those end of the world theories...they're kind of important in a way. Without them,  I for one would never pay attention to the words "end of the world". It's not like anyone is capable of imagining it either way, because to us "the end of the world" is the end to existence, life, everything. But actually, depending on how galactic the event is that causes human extinction (volcano vs galaxy collision or some shit), life will go on. Actually, regardless of how galactic the event is, life will go on, but it depends whether life continues on Earth or not.

But it's just weird to think about...think of all the history, culture, information, language and biodiversity we have here. One day it's all going to be wiped out. Not only no more buildings and cars and TV shows, but no more mountains, ocean, or cockroaches. Seriously. Even cockroaches will die when Earth dies. Everyone knows that already, but a lot of people don't realize that the rest of the universe still chugs along merrily without us, even as one of the most intelligent and well developed ecosystems ever DIES, other worlds keep existing.

Creepy huh?

Happy FUCKING MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!

I mean no offense by my usage of the "f" bomb, but I feel it's the only word that conveys the power. I'm proud to be an American today!!! The most American part about it, in today's society (in a way), is the fact that I don't really know what Memorial Day commemorates for sure, I just know it's something patriotic-ish. And there are stores with cool tank-tops with American Flags. So...Anyway, Happy Memorial Day!!!

Anyway, I can't hold it in any longer, HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER THREE WEEKS OF SCHOOL?!? THIS IS TOO BEAUTIFUL!

This going to work and having a moderately busy day with a delicious veggie sandwich and then going to the mall with Elizabeth to get 7 PAIRS OF UNDIES FOR 25.50 (yer jel) and this....this coming home on a Sunday night but I know I can stay up because tomorrow there's no school, and I'm working tomorrow. And I can go outside at 7:34 pm, and not only is it so warm that I can sit in shorts and a tank top and be perfectly content, but I don't even have to worry about a bed time tonight. This amazing feeling...it's SUMNER!

Lololololololol. Pun for those who know about American Civil War era history!

Nah, I mean summer though. With

And

And (for my peers)

IN DA

And for everyone:

Well, that's quite enough of that. Actually, it's how funny how when you read this, that whole fiasco I went through with the pictures will be like two minutes worth of reading...but it was so much more to me!! It just takes forever to google something, and fight the right picture, and copy and paste, and then go here and upload...ergh. And also music is playing which is distracting but at the same time way too pleasant to turn off.

Hmm I should (theoretically) work on my short story for English right now...but I'm too busy pretending it's literally summer.

And if anyone here knows the song Sweet Surrender by John Denver, then you should listen to it. And anyone who doesn't know that song should flagellate themselves for such blasphemy. And then listen to it.

Well, happy summer to everyone. Unless you're reading this in the southern hemisphere...and in that case...well, winter is fun too.

Anyway, I'm going to go enjoy life!!! Happy Life everyone!!!!!!

I almost just had an oopsie....

Yeah so I was reading my cousin's status and it was like how buildings with no windows suck and i read this comment

I thought that idea of a building with no windows sounded totally awesome and I hovered my mouse over the like option, prepared to click when I realized

OH MY GOD NO DON'T DO THAT IT'S A RANDOM PERSON YOU DON'T KNOW HE IS FRIENDS WITH YOUR ADULT COUSIN.

So then I saved myself from catastrophe and disaster and DIDN'T click like. Because that would have been really weird.

Ooh I know what I wanted to show you guys!!! This is a conversation I had with this kid.... (Some of you may know him, if you are my peers) whose apparent favorite pastime  activity is to facebook IM members of my track team and ask us how we're doing and then immediately bombard us how fantastic he's performing. These screenshots represent the entire conversation.

A simple greeting. And then he "goes offline" for like twenty minutes before returning.

Yes. That is the entire conversation. That is how long it took for him to bring up track. A simple "How are you" and fake encouragement, and it's already time for track. Classy.

Okay, that seems a little abrupt on my part. You're probably thinking "Wow he wasn't even bragging or being rude, what's with the instabitch?" And if you're saying that, you clearly haven't spoken to him before. I am not kidding and if you think I am ask around (which would be hard for you to do if you're in IRELAND! That's right I have two views from Ireland....Love you my fairies!!!!!) because this is ALL HE DOES. HE IM'S US TRACK TEAMSTERS AND GRILLS US ABOUT HOW WE'VE DONE AND THEN TELLS US HOW GOOD HE IS AT EVERYTHING. One time, I told him that I started four stepping in hurdles (a vast improvement from five stepping) and he responded with a charming "Not like I three-stepped for fun the other day..." If you're confused, he basically responded to my "I just accomplished this moderately challenging thing!" with an encouraging "I do a much better and harder thing all the time for fun HAHA YOU SUCK!!"

Anyway, back to the pictures. Just please understand that this isn't a one time thing that he does, and I really had a complete right to let my uber bitch run wild and free.

That's nice, taking the sheepish route? All of a sudden you aren't a 3-stepping, 6 foot jumping, 22-second 200 meter running track athlete jock head, you're just a sheepish little guy trying to talk to his middle school friend about "the only thing" you have left in common.

That's really cute. MOVING ON!!!!.

The end doesn't matter I just gave him some bullshit SAT advice and signed off. Anyway, I have nothing left to say except he was at the baseball game I went to that I mentioned in my last post, the one where I was dancing around in the stands making a fool of myself? Yeah so...whatever.

Anyway, back to the important news. Well wait, first, this:

Hahahaha lol. Anyway.

Did you read what I said up there earlier? About how I have 2 views from Ireland?! It could have been A CAT SLEEPING ON A MOUSEPAD that created those views, I don't care, MY BLOG HAS APPEARED ON A COMPUTER SCREEN IN IRELAND. These words that have come out of my brain have been spilled across the web-verse (universe of web) and a splash landed in Ireland. 

Well, I'm going to go now. Don't forget to comment if you ever have anything to say!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's great to be back.

I....I don't even know where to begin. It's been such a long time. So much has happened. You guys have kept visiting. You are all super troopers with hearts of gold.

Okay so anyway...Today, Carly, Anna and I went to the ball park to watch some baseball games. And we were chillin at the top stand and cheering on the underdogs and then a funny thing happened. The music was so CAPTIVATING that I had to dance to it! So anyway, we (I) may or may not have made fools of ourselves by dancing on the bleachers a lot... But that's not the point...

I....this is such a long story you guys.

KEEP FUCKING READING!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! I PROMISE IT'S A TERRIBLY THRILLING READ! HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATBELTS!!!!

Okay so anyway. Carly and Anna had met the coaches of one of the teams the other day and they seemed cool so they were like making eyes at them at the game and they were gonna hang out tonight. Well it just so happens A&C wanted to hangout with like players on the team and the coaches were um not super interesting individuals.

Well, okay, they were so fucking lame that Carly texts me at like 9:48 saying "Call us around 1015, 1020 freaking out. We need an excuse to leave so call like FREAKING out. Please."

So I call Elizabeth and practice out some scenarios and actually get myself into the mood to play a panicked little sister home alone with a sick dog (I later tell her that Leila is lying on her back with her tongue lying out because anyone picturing that would LOL)

So they can just leave the coaches. But as they're leaving, the hot guys from the actual team come out and they're like yo let's hangout and so they like make plans to hangout later. So Carly and Anna come home and I tell my mom I'm going to hangout with them for a while. Then we go to pick up the players.

I'm sitting in the back seat, high, between two big black muscular college baseball tournament players. And you know what? It wasn't that awkward at first!!

Because when you first meet someone new, there's a lot of new ground to cover. But once you've been in the car for a while (we picked them up downtown, drove to the Getty, parked there for a while, then drove to Walmart in who fucking knows where, then drove back) it gets a little awkward. Right around when you're leaving the Getty. And that's only like step two of the trip.

And these guys were like from Florida and Alabama, and people down south naturally walk slower because they're used to the heat and don't move too quickly so they don't overheat. So anyway, here we are in Walmart, looking for Gatorade, walking way slower than we New Englanders are used to with two Southern boys. And our eyes are bloodshot. Oh and it's ten minutes to closing. One register open. 

On the other side of the store.

.........

Okay let me just explain to you what happened. I googled image searched "empty walmart registers" to illustrate how deserted the store was. I clicked on a picture and it was loading and all of a fucking sudden MY COMPUTER TELLS ME IT'S DOWNLOADING A VIRUS

This is the most horrible thing that could ever happen to a person. I wasn't trying to download a fucking porn video for God's sake I WAS ONLY LOOKING FOR A PICTURE OF A BUNCH OF CLOSED WALMART REGISTERS. WHY ME!!!

I stopped it from finishing and deleted every trace of it from my computer and I emptied my trash and annihilated everything, so everything should be okay, but wow.

Wow.

Back to my fucking story, the best part ever is when my mom calls my sister and all you hear is my sister go, "Okay....yeah (pause) we're (pause) on our way (long pause) okay (pause) yeah we'll be back soon bye". 

Keep in mind these boys knew the story of how my sister had told me to call her when she and Anna were hanging out with the coaches. How much do you think they thought this phone call was a setup too? How could you not think that? I would at least feel like "fuck it" if that was the case, but it WASN'T. It was GENUINELY my mom demanding that I come home.

Anyway, as soon as Carly hangs up, that song BLOW by ke$ha starts doing the "this place about to BLOWWWW" for the first time and just....just picture this scenario, this incredibly awkward group of individuals, listening to the go to typical trash annoying music of the day - Ke$ha. And no one knows if anyone else is annoyed by the music or if we're just all okay with it or if we're sick of it or what so it's just silence....

It was so....I had to catch my breath once they got out of the car. It was easily one of the most awkward moments of my life. But that doesn't mean it was necessarily negative....I knew the experience could make the BEST BLOG POST EVER and well....I think it captured that okay. It was just a huge fiasco and we were all breathless and speechless and just like....whoa. Fucking.....awkward.

But it was fun in an awkward, hopeless way. Because I've realized that when awkward situations are terribly awkward, just let go and chill out because being tense is unnecessary and infectious. So it was an experience and....

That's it. Well bye now!!

Sorry, one quick thing. I'm watching the Nanny and it's from like the early nineties and I'm looking at how silly their clothes look and it's only from the nineties...and then I think back to like 2002 which was almost 10 years ago and people looked pretty ugly back then too. And it's so crazy to think about because it seems like now fashion finally makes sense and it can't possibly change so drastically again, but in 10 or 12 years, it will. It always shifts and changes but you never notice it until you look way back. Crazy