I'd like to start with a round of applause

for chicks who take pictures like this

because it's like you know what, congratulations, really and truly. You can contort yourself and position your hands strategically enough that your body becomes less of a body and more of an s-shaped contraption. That's really attractive and it makes people want to have sex with you!!! A lot!!! 

So carry on, fellow young women of the world! Carry on treating your body as if it's a gourmet dinner garnished up for everyone's eyes and taste-buds. Please continue not only revealing every square inch of yourself, but highlighting and drawing attention to certain key points. Really, it's okay if you can think of yourself as nothing more than an object for men to feast upon, in all meanings of that phrase.

A red lil mo'fuckin' panda to lighten the mood.

I just, I especially like it when I see girls who are like, three years younger than me who do shit like this. Because then it's like, oh wow not only are you still in your ugly phase in life, but even if you did somehow manage to look attractive, it's fucking illegal for pretty much anyone to even think that, so back offfffff and also why aren't you still playing with barbies?! I played with barbies until 7th grade, and for some reason this was massively embarrassing to me until like...well I don't know when it stopped being embarrassing, but my point is, everyone should play with their barbies a little more and put on mini skirts and eyeliner a little less.

I mean, that's my opinion, but at the same time I actually sympathize with Abigail from The Crucible, and if you don't know what I'm talking about then it sucks a lot of soggy popsicle sticks to be you cuz I'm deffo not going to explain it. You can google it if you care though!!

So...yeah.

Hahaha oh man and back to these girls....these girls who take pictures like that also always have at least 40 other ones of their faces plastered with the same straight, joyless, empty smiles and cold, dead, staring eyes and 10 million (est.) comments on each spewing such brilliancies as "your so pretty omg :))" and "Get ugly. I hate you" or the ever so classic "beautiful".

And it's like...I'm not saying these things out of vengeance or even to be funny (though I'm fully aware of my status as a funny shit). I'm saying them because I don't think anyone else is cluing these ladies in on their idiocy, and I feel it's my duty to say

HEY LADIES, CUT IT OUT.

or something of the sort. These "maidens" are so focused on themselves that they don't notice they're focused on themselves, and their friends are too focused on their own selves to worry about their friends' selves, and so on and so forth and footh and booth, etc., etc. So I will take one for the team and be the outcry victim

YES, THE OUTCRY VICTIM

because we are ALL victims for being subjected to this unappealing, desperately try-hard personality in so many useless people. Am I right or am I cynical - hint: it's okay to be both and oftentimes hard not to be..........

Look, it's a picture of an eclipse and then a song called eclipse. Why don't you go play that song now, eh?




..... play it.