Friday, May 24, 2013

An ode to giant flashy earrings - from big hair

Oh you beautiful gorgeous shimmering frolicking bouncing adorning magnificent beauties you. Heavy or light, wooden or plastic, glass or beads, silver or gold, you make EVERY look go from "Oh that's nice!" to "HOLY SHIT WHAT AN AMAZING VISION AM I AT THE GRAND CANYON OR AM I JUST LOOKING AT ONE DEEEEPLLLY GORGEOUS INDIVIDUAL"


You shimmering treasure chests that fit so snugly right into my earlobe holes. You come in hoops and loop-de-loops, animals and actual feathers (not actual animals though...actually I take that back. My excellent best roomie EVAHH!!! made me little sparrow earrings. Okay not technically an actual sparrow, but real LIFE SIZED styrofoam sparrow things. That she made into earrings. That I wore once before one came loose that very same day (I guess it...flew away!) and so she got me a replacement sparrow but I have yet to rock them again. haha... ANYWAY), varying degrees of loudness and subtlety, you are all so different and that is what makes ALL of you so tremendous and worthy of praise.

For what are shoes but stupid things that cover up our feet and a healthy form of transportation?? And since shoes were invented to make transportation more COMFORTABLE or PROTECTIVE, why the FUCK have we started trying to wear HEELS and FLIP FLOPS ALL THE FUCKING TIME? (I realize I could make my posts slightly less f-bomb heavy if I used "Goddamn!" as well but I feel more obscene using those words than I do the "fuck" just because I don't really think there's anything inappropriate about the f word but I do feel inappropriate saying Goddamn! because I'm not God and I was just taught never to say that. SO THAT'S ME BUT YOU DO YOU OKAY). I mean some ladies really love heels and actually CAN walk in them, and that's great and all, and I understand what fashion is but I mean talking logistically right now, if you were stranded on an abandoned dirt road and you had to walk 40 miles, you wouldn't be walking in those humdingers would you? No so then you would walk barefoot, and you would get tetanus and glass shards with every step you took. Hmm, sounds like REVERSE EVOLUTION if you ask me. Oh and flip flops are a different thing, because they are like screwing everyone's feet so much because they wear them everywhere they fucking go, at least if "they" is referring to stupid gross people who are dumb. Flip flops are for public showers and the beach/pool! Not for taking a fuckin stroll through town! So that is why I am on team reasonable shoewear, because I like having feet that work and do not hurt in 20 minutes and allow me to chop cucumbers with my feet if I had to, just for example.

SO STOP FUSSING YOURSELVES OVER SHOES!!

Dresses and shirts and skirts are lovely occasionally, but everyone wears those and there's bound to be a few who do it nicely in every public setting.

Oh but earrings. You are sadly so rare.  Oh, the public acknowledges you. But sadly not as much as it should - or could. You are worthy of so much more praise than you EVER receive - I do not know why such anti-earring prejudice exists, but I'm working to change it.

Especially the great big giant ones. Because you are simply TOO AMAZING at what you do.


Oh earrings, you do such a splendid and superb job that you can turn a wandering moose:



Into a FEROCIOUS TIGER: 















Thank you ~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~



***~*~~*~*End Ode****~*~~~*~**


On that note, a few other things. Just a real quick lighthearted rant about my hair for a second okay.

Because for every "You have BEAUTIFUL hair"I receive, there is 2/3 of a "I WISH mine was like that!! Mine is so BORING!"

Okay. So that's okay and stuff EXCEPT FOR FUCKING THIS.


Two of the fuckers who have said this to me have dared to allege that their hair used to look just mine. Mhm! Used to or actually still does look just like it!! So the girl who claimed it was still naturally as beautiful as mine, in response to me saying "oh! you should come into school with it like that then!" {because I had never ever ever ever ever seen her with ANYTHING other than PIN STRAIGHT HAIR}, exclaims "Haha yah that's what my boyfriend says! haha I would never though!!"

Translation: your hair is OUT OF CONTROL! I hate when mine is like that because I put no effort into taming it and just smother it in between two burning plates so that it loses all its life. I love that YOU'RE doing it, but IIII never would be caught dead in public with my hair looking like that! But no really, love it on you!

Look, she's the one regina spektor sings about in this song!!! At about 50 seconds in!! It's like she knows or something!!



Oh and the other girl, whose hair used to look like mine, said she had "Straightened it into permanent limpness" obviously not a direct quote at all because she spoke hillbilly english.

So these two girls are like ugh i love your hair I WISH I WASN'T SUCH A WHOPPING GIANT DUMBASS WHO SMUSHED MY INSECURITY BETWEEN 220 DEGREE CERAMIC "ION POWERED" IRONING BOARDS.

My point at the end of all of this is that while I do genuinely fall in love with every person who compliments my hair, a SIGNIFICANT chunk of you would hate if you had my hair for yourselves. And you would probably straighten it. It's not to say that I didn't go through a straightening phase of my own - I think every curly haired girl who has the means does. But I'm sayin I don't anymore. And I'm sayin a lot of people who wish they had my hair better EAT THEIR SOCKS. Sock eaters.


oh and a few more housekeeping bits:

1) happy 420. i missed that. sorry about that.... but better late than never

2) almost 10,000 views!! :-) i think maybe half of those are from people who actually read the words! oh and the poll thing is.... i dont know, now everyone's votes just show up and disappear, it's a tragedy, i don't want to talk about it, i'm going to go now

luv ya bye <3 <3 <3 <3 

ps rain rain go away come back NEVER byeeee!!

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